One Confirmed Case of Stupidity

The COVID-19 pandemic has turned East Lansing into a ghost town. The Grand River strip is dotted with restaurants that no longer have bustling dining areas. People have retreated indoors to self-quarantine, shutting down most club activities. Even MSU’s museum has closed, depriving students of hours of fun on mandatory class field trips. What is left in a college town with no college?

Unfortunately, much like the coronavirus, our friends at The Morning Watch have proven highly resilient. They have chosen to continue to chase new lows for horrific campus takes. Their latest, “A Symptom of Coronavirus: Less Leftist Bias,” may be the worst one yet.

Penned by the big boss himself, Sergei Kelley, the article finds him in a unique situation. One of The Morning Watch’s goals is to “expose leftist bias” on campus, a questionable endeavor already but near-impossible when the RA boards are unused and campus events are shut down. Now that there is no leftist bias to expose on campus, where do they go from here? It’s not easy to sneak into the Zoom lectures for a sociology class in the hopes that you might record a prof suggesting that privilege is a real phenomenon.

The answer — the coronavirus is actually good.

Kelley hedges this claim at the start of this article by saying, “This is not to trivialize our situation, but a blunt description of a consequence.” I have no idea why he would do this if he wants to work in conservative media, where the default response to claims of offensiveness is to claim victory on the basis of hurting your opponent’s feelings. But make no mistake — Kelley has deep respect for the coronavirus. It has done what he and his publication never could: stop left-wing events on campus. 

One of the only things that hasn’t been straight up cancelled is a BLEXIT event with Candace Owens sponsored by MSU’s Turning Point USA chapter. This was merely postponed from April 7 to April 30, which seems inadequate as projections of the pandemic’s course suggest that normal life may not resume until June or July. However, given that Turning Point can’t get 50 people to an event, the event will definitely be CDC-compliant, so maybe they felt they could risk it. (Update: shortly after publication, MSU Turning Point canceled the event.)

There is no way to read this and not think it is trivializing the issue. This article absolutely salivates over the possibility that a deadly pandemic will stop Michigan State from putting up posters about not wearing blackface for Halloween. Your loved ones dying of severe, painful flu will be worth it if we don’t have to take a bias workshop so the university can pretend it tried to stop racist incidents on campus!

This could be excusable as an awful joke if this was simply placed in The Morning Watch’s satire section. But after our B. Bunny ethered their satire section back in January, their satire writer has disappeared. Perhaps they are too scared to place this trash opinion in the “just a joke” section and instead are forced to acknowledge that their honest-to-God opinion is that the coronavirus is good.

If you want a more serious response to coronavirus from the Watch, you have to go all the way to their Twitter page. In an attempt to look like an actual news site, they put out a press release on Twitter stating that they will be cancelling in-person meetings and telling readers to wash their hands and practice social distancing. The release also said they would be “focusing on exposing other avenues of leftist bias.” I suspect that will mean watching MSNBC on repeat and getting mad all the time instead of being cool and watching classic college basketball reruns on ESPN2.

Actually though, what other avenues are there to expose? The Morning Watch is a campus site. It’s not built to talk about national issues. At The Evening Look we pride ourselves on being able to talk about that sort of thing when campus events are slow, but they rarely talk about anything more consequential than ASMSU votes. 

There is one avenue left for leftist bias left in the Watch’s purview: us. If the RA boards, bias workshops, and non-threatening liberal speakers are all taken away, the only thing this virus can’t kill on campus is our website. We will be stepping up our game in these last couple months of spring semester to fill the void of leftist bias left behind by the pandemic. Expect ASMSU endorsements, analysis of this ghost town, and more responses to whatever trash comes out of The Morning Watch’s keyboards.

We look forward to being your source for MSU’s leftist bias in these dark days.

-K. Sins

Down in the DMs: 2 Sergei 2 Slide

“That DM is the devil, son!”

music video for Yo Gotti’s “Down in the DM”

Longtime readers may remember that back in September, flyers for this blog went up around campus. Our flyer team noticed a Morning Watch poster folded on itself and placed our own flyer over it. This caused Morning Watch editor-in-chief Sergei Kelley to send a four-part DM to a loyal reader, under the impression that they worked for us. We thought that this would surely be the funniest interaction we ever had in the DMs, but we’re proud to announce that we were mistaken.

A few days ago, we checked the Evening Look Facebook page to find this:

Though a shorter DM, this incident demands a full breakdown.

First off, note the time this was sent – Sunday the 20th at 6:20 PM. Sergei is a proud Catholic, as he is happy to point out. What is he doing beefing with a Facebook page on the Sabbath? It’s just after suppertime on the Lord’s day! This man went to Mass in the morning to learn about God’s infinite love and goodness and then sent supervillain shit in the DM to an account with 10 likes. This does not sound like the behavior of someone pursuing Jesus, but as heathens we are not qualified to evaluate that.

It was also the day before Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a holiday when we get together and ponder tolerance, civil rights, and whether MLK would have agreed with our particular political persuasion. After all, what use is he if he doesn’t align perfectly with our beliefs? This DM certainly falls short of the spirit of Rev. King. But it was not his day yet, so let’s give Sergei a pass here.

We must also explore the trigger for this verbal assault on our journalistic integrity. Given that most of the DM is dedicated to talking about the Holmes Hall RA, we can assume that Sergei has discovered our long-running series on finding this mythical man who serves as a vital source for Morning Watch pieces. 

Sergei asserts that the Holmes Hall RA is real. But The Evening Look has published three separate pieces from our field reporter O. Justice dedicated to the fact that we cannot figure out where Holmes Hall is, much less discover the man of infinite Ohio-born wisdom who lives there. Sergei’s DM has failed to give us any more information on the location of Holmes Hall, whose alien geometries have eluded us despite multi-week drug benders and potato-based ritual sacrifices. How can he so confidently assert that Holmes Hall is not only real but houses one of his most dependable contacts? The mystery will continue until someone can give us directions there.

Sergei also made sure to call us “fake news” for some reason. Despite his obsession with our small WordPress blog, he clearly has not engaged with the pieces. We have never posted news. We don’t do journalism. We do shitposting criticism. We have facts in most of our articles, but The Evening Look has never purported to possess a scrap of journalistic ability. We literally cannot be “fake news”. We’re just a bunch of idiots with a platform. This is a lazy, Z-tier Trump tweet level of intimidation.

Finally, Sergei asked us to stop being “cowards” and put our “real names” on our pieces. I don’t know if it has to do with Sergei’s deeply religious upbringing in Northern Michigan, but we DO use our real names! Why would we list our names if not to let our loyal readers know who we are? O. Justice is 100% a real name. Perhaps Sergei takes offense at us not providing our true names received at Confirmation. If so, he will see that our floundering rap careers provide little need for a name change.

To quote NASA legend and personal role model Buzz Lightyear, Sergei is acting like a “sad, strange little man”. Does he not know that we are eternally ‘taking the piss’, as our friends across the pond who have nationalized health insurance say? I honestly become elated anytime he drops into our DMs because it will always serve to remind me that he still doesn’t know how to deal with critics and gives me hope that this deficiency will stunt his professional political growth in the future. Sergei is simply not fit to survive in the postmodern arena of the internet. The only grand narrative being written right now is the tragedy of Sergei’s DMs that paint the picture of a boomer trapped in a zoomer’s body.

We’d like to thank Sergei for once again proving himself to be an absolute weirdo. That DM is the devil, and it seems no amount of rosaries can save him from the temptation. If you will excuse us, we need to celebrate the Sabbath the right way this weekend: by watching large men run into each other in the pursuit of Rocky Lombardi’s trophy.

-The Evening Look Staff

All Work and No Play…

Rene Descartes, “Unknown”

Sometimes, in the course of making these little criticisms, I come across an article that has such poor writing its premise falls apart under the weakest examination. One such article was “The Superiority Complex of the Left”, published on (where else?) The Morning Watch and attributed to Jack Carlson. I say “attributed” because I have no idea why anyone would put their real name on this. 

Carlson’s point is that the campus left is unique in its hypocrisy towards its stated values. They believe in freedom of expression, but have all these big bad institutions like bias workshops and advisory signs in the dorms. 

The problem is that Carlson’s life experience, per his article, doesn’t track with his opinion. After saying that he wishes that he could engage respectfully with people he disagrees with politically, the next line reveals he has lots of friends that he disagrees with. He says that the predominant trait of campus leftism is “a sense of moral superiority” but also says most of the leftist students he has met are “intelligent, decent, and reasonable people”. So he’s met a lot of students who are leftists, or at the very least further left than him, and they’ve been nice to him and have had good conversations with him where they respect each other. Yet he continues to insist that campus leftism is none of those things.

Here at The Evening Look, our job is to provide the sense of moral superiority Carlson can’t find in regular campus leftism. We are proud to state that we believe we are morally great and better than The Morning Watch. Has he considered being better, like us? 

But this is not an article about campus leftism. This is an article about getting Owned Online. Carlson is mad, red, and nude, as they say on Twitter. Why is he that way? People didn’t like an article he wrote about a James Madison College #ClimateStrike panel. Words such as “inaccurate” and “slanderous” were thrown around (of course, there are no receipts provided for these insults). If random users on Twitter calling an article “inaccurate” cause you to write a whole article about how your ideology is actually good, you may have the thin skin you claim to see in others.

This leads to the biggest howler of the article: “Conservatism in its nature, does not appear to be an ideology that causes students to strike out at their peers and hold a tone of superiority towards others.” What is The Morning Watch if not conservatives striking out at their non-conservative peers by “exposing leftist bias”? Is “Objectivity, Not Subjectivity” not holding a tone of superiority by implicitly implying that this opinion article is objective fact rather than, well, an opinion? I’m baffled by this sentence.

Maybe I shouldn’t be. Carlson has published four opinion articles in under a month and a half, which represents nearly two-thirds of the entire article output of the site. Perhaps he’s simply working on a deadline for that sweet, sweet #content. Who hasn’t just thrown a bunch of stuff together last minute to turn in? I know I have. If we had deadlines to meet, we’d be pulling all nighters and drinking dangerous amounts of Red Bull while we cranked out pieces about the tyranny of conservative PTCD professors. 

The Morning Watch should reconsider its content strategy if it’s forcing a single writer to crank out as many opinions as possible to keep its name out there. The piece isn’t ready for prime time, and I hope Carlson frees himself of the content mill he finds himself in.

-K. Sins

High Thoughts: Why Conservatives Aren’t Funny

Dear viewers, let’s set the scene real quick: 

I, your esteemed author, have just sat down to spill his thoughts out onto his laptop after having just taken a fatass rip of wax, with Vampire Weekend on the speaker and Emeril Legasse on the TV. 

I am in an uncanny state of mind.

An attempt at visualizing what the author saw while writing this.

So let me talk about what’s been really snazzing my jazz lately: the Morning Watch’s pitiful attempt at a ‘satire’ section on their website. 

Literally nobody asked for this. Its very existence is currently destroying the one shared brain cell we have as a species, and for this reason I request that it be discontinued immediately.

Now, I am aware that a non-insignificant number of our viewers are actually collegiate conservatives who just like to make fun of our “zero effort WordPress website”. 

They’re right: we put barely any effort into our content, yet are also funnier and more critical than Sergei Kelley The Morning Watch. I’m sure that all my boys reading this who like this humor will do one of two things: complain like the “snowflakes” they despise, or realize that we, the plebian “Evening Blind” as referred to by Daddy Sergei, have successfully influenced The Morning Watch’s decision making and thus have been formally noticed by senpai. 

For my Republican readers, allow me to use this attention to educate you on one simple fact: conservatives cannot be funny. 

Let me explain.

Humor and comedy are effective because of a basic formula they follow: 

1) Identify some true absurdity occurring in the world, 2) maximize said absurdity beyond its usual boundaries in order to expose the sheer stupidity or juxtaposition of said phenomenon, and 3) punchline.

Humor as a communicative tool exists for humans to be reminded of our failings, absurdities, or irrational idiosyncrasies in order to make fun of them and become a little more enlightened. This is why random humor isn’t funny, because it un-strategically attempts to shotgun multiple subjects at the viewer in hopes that they find some cosmic absurdity among a few of the subjects being joked about. 

I’m only 20 minutes into a 2 hour high.

Allow me to critically analyze one of the Morning Watch’s more recent satire pieces to illustrate my point.

I just went to Google to look up The Morning Watch and only found a bunch of youth-based Bible sites that look like shit. I’m sorry for the aside. Let me get back to my words.

Ok, first of all, upon reading the Baby Bible Website’s satire piece on forced diversity classes I see a couple typos/mistakes that I will refuse to specify in order to make The Morning Watch actually review its content for once in a goddamn election cycle. 

I’m getting too high for this.

So this piece of literature titled Mandatory Diversity Classes WILL Increase yadayadyada sets the scene in a fantasy world MSU that creates classes to teach students about microaggressions, macroaggressions, and picoagrerssions because all of a sudden blinks can be offensive. (???) They then present the viewer with some fake student interviews, which is strange given that dedicated readers know the Holmes Hall RA could be any made up schmuck that Sergei knows. 

Holy shit Meat Loaf just came on the speaker and I’m fucking hype rn, bout ta pop off

I must admit that The Morning Watch does get the first step of humor right in this article. They are able to successfully identify a small societal absurdity, in this case the existence of educating people on how to be decent citizens who treat each other with respect. How could anyone ever think that this is acceptable in Trump’s America? So of course they choose to cling to the tit of “microagression education” in order to milk it for as much comedic potential as possible.

The problem with The Morning Watch’s humor is that they cling to the tit and don’t suck. They fail to do step two and magnify it. Yes, they frame microagression classes as mandatory, and make up some bullshit “picoagression” class that teaches people about sexist blinking. The problem is that these are real possibilities due to the shitty way that people who read The Morning Watch keep acting to minorities and women.  

Worse, the humor conservatives create is always a subtle defense for their own backwards views. Good comedy can’t be defensive! Comedy is meant to be progressive and challenging, in order to expose stupidity and laugh it away. Comedians and humorists have nothing to defend. They make fun of everything, even themselves. Conservatives, and particularly Morning Watch humor writer Thomas “Kanye said nothing wrong” West, write like they still have an ego which hasn’t been destroyed by a generational depression induced by gun violence, global warming, and Nazis. All their humor does is remind us that people are still out there who could march on Charlottesville again. The comedic value derived from their not-quite-absurd enough humor is innately tempered by the reality in which these subjects dwell. 

To put it bluntly, The Morning Watch’s humor is too grounded, poorly structured, and sounds like its written by a guy who was called funny once by another conservative and decided he was George fucking Costanza. 

Regarding the lack of structure, there’s never any punchline to their humor. They never tie it up in a neat bow or use any callbacks. It just meanders throughout its confusing existence, much like the Republican Party after the existence of Trump.

Humor has to be pointed! It must be stinging, biting, visceral, and carry a real punch. You can only do that through structure, elsewise I just feel like Mr. West is draping me in a semi-moist towel with a slightly too passive-aggressive grip, but not enough that I won’t say “thank you.”

In conclusion: Mr. West, do better. The Morning Watch Sergei Kelley, please off this fool if he can’t do better. Readers, please remember to make fun of stupidity as much as possible, since that’s the only way to make this mess of a world marginally more enjoyable than suicide.

I’m about an hour into my high and feeling fucking amazing, so I’m gonna crawl into the kitchen and down half a pack of Keebler Elfwiches. 

-B. Bunny

On Treaties and Safeties

Did you know that the Detroit Lions have had two winless seasons in their history? We all remember 2008 – Dan Orlovsky running out of the back of the endzone is burned into my mind. But there was a second one back in 1942, when they went 0-11 and set an NFL record for the most giveaways in a single game with 12.

Why do I bring this up? Well, a recent Morning Watch article asserts that these are worse tragedies than the theft of land from indigenous peoples in North America.

Let me explain. Michigan State has a land acknowledgement. This basically acknowledges that the university exists on the land of several Native American tribes – the Ojibwe, Odawa, and Potawatomi people, known as the Three Fires Confederacy. The acknowledgement states that “the university lies on land ceded in the 1819 Treaty of Saginaw”. This land was granted by the State of Michigan to found MSU 36 years later. The rest of the it exists as a way to affirm that the university intends to advocate for the sovereignty of Native Americans and be accountable to their needs. Although a nice gesture, on its own it doesn’t do a lot outside of being respectful, something our administration has had some issues with in the last few years.

Enter our intrepid Watch columnist, David Barton, who spotted the land acknowledgement somewhere in Snyder-Phillips Hall. The sign took hold of him and used its power to try and force him to conform to the bland liberalism of the college. But he was able to resist, and in the blog’s grand tradition of being mad at signs, he wrote about this experience. The resulting column, “ANALYSIS: MSU’s Misguided “Native Sovereignty” Over University Lands”, stands as one of the worst I’ve read since starting this site. It’s Orlovsky running out of bounds in article form. It’s worse than the bike letter we covered months ago in the first couple weeks of this blog’s existence.

The article’s whole premise is that it’s dumb for the university to go around feeling sorry for being on land that the Native Americans just gave away because they were super nice folks. Barton presents a history of the treaty in which after Native Americans fought with the British against the Americans in the War of 1812 (I wonder why), Americans showed mercy to them by having a peaceful negotiation in which the Natives miraculously gave up a massive chunk of land they had lived on for centuries. 

There, that’s it. Nothing else to it, move along!

Here’s an alternative history of the treaty. Lewis Cass, governor of Michigan, was tired of bigshots in Washington saying that Michigan, then a territory, was full of worthless, dogshit land that didn’t have anything to offer. So he decided to prove them wrong, knowing it was rich land full of natural resources like timber. He wrote to the War Secretary, John C. Calhoun, to ask for the land “to effect the removal of the Indians to the West side of the Mississippi as speedily as circumstances will permit”. That was his starting position. The final treaty’s terms were a compromise, not an initial offer. And of course, even the most sanitized American history book will tell you what tended to happen when Native Americans resisted giving land away – at best, a treaty that would be inevitably broken, at worst atrocities.

In other words, this outcome was assured from the start. Cass was never not going to get the land once he decided he wanted it. But he had another trick up his sleeve anyway: alcohol. He ordered twelve barrels of whiskey from Detroit and got the Native Americans absolutely plastered. As a college student, I’m well aware that I don’t always make the decisions that I mean when I’m drunk; now imagine that those decisions cost millions of acres of land. You might wonder if there’s a real beef there.

Barton makes sure to note that this is all irrelevant anyway, since obviously everyone who signed the treaty or knew somebody that signed it is dead. In a wildly out-of-place attempt at comedy, he asserts that what occurred 200 years ago in Saginaw is not as bad as the aforementioned winless Lions seasons, which are “things…we should actually be ashamed of.” It’s true that everyone involved in the treaty is dead, but what does it say that after all this time people still feel the need to acknowledge it and talk about how it affected them and their ancestors? I’m a diehard Lions fan and I didn’t even know they were winless in 1942. I bet everyone who played that season is dead too! 

The land acknowledgement boils down to “sorry”, as Barton puts it at the end of the article. But it’s a good gesture towards recognizing how exactly the University got here, on this specific land, even though it isn’t the fault of anyone alive right now. And if you don’t like it, it’s a fucking sign. It doesn’t control you, and it definitely doesn’t compel you to write wildly inaccurate summaries of what happened. 

Today, the Lions will suit up to inevitably lose to the Bears in the traditional Thanksgiving game at Ford Field, which rests on land ceded in the Treaty of Detroit in 1807. Perhaps one day, it too will have a land acknowledgement – a reminder that as you thank the land you live, eat, and watch football on, it probably wasn’t always yours.

-K. Sins

How To Do Investigative Reporting

With recent tea coming from the Morning Watch editorial board comes a set of re-aligned editorial priorities. I had hoped that perhaps this re-shuffle would cause everyone’s favorite College Republicans chairman Sergei Kelley to re-evaluate his blog’s narrative stance and renew his commitment to “objectivity, not subjectivity.” Instead, it appears that Kelley has decided to double down on TMW’s state-of-the-art investigative reporting so as to cover “the basics.”

Wait. Did I say “state-of-the-art investigative reporting”? Indeed I did, for absolutely everything coming out of “the best publication at MSU” can actually be referred to as state-of-the-art. Consider this typical progression of events when the Morning Watch decides to make its presence known at an event: they put out a cry for help not just to their own staff but also to the entire MSU College Republican community (because nowadays TMW is just the propaganda arm of the CRs, which itself is now the propaganda arm of Sergei Kelley). Receiving no response from either group, he then proceeds to show up at whatever event has the potential for a juicy headline that will predictably fail to deliver on the memes such headlines promise. (The Morning Watch’s motto should really be “Objectivity, Not Subjectivity, Except In Our Headlines.”) After collecting enough information to write an article, possibly including a quote to take way out of context during the editing process (if one even exists?), the Morning Watch proceeds to publish it, where it will be sure to die a slow, semi-painful death.

Unfortunately, this tactic only works four, five, or six times before becoming stale, and these events the Morning Watch attempts to make clickbait out of have presented TMW with a bit of a problem: the sources are drying up. Take, for instance, the recent dreaMSU rally advocating for MSU to become a sanctuary school and provide a point of support for undocumented immigrants and immigrants with DACA status. The Morning Watch had an obvious presence at that rally, since Kelley made sure to stand at least 20 feet away from any of the protestors and made a point of filming the entire thing.  I wasn’t surprised to find a somewhat standoffish attitude towards Kelley’s presence at the rally, but you can’t really blame people for finding a lurker… lurker-y.

I’m sincerely wondering why the indomitable chairman of the MSU College Republicans would find himself having to use these conflict avoidance tactics. After all, it’s not like these protestors were particularly hostile to those who did not share their views. Many were simply attending the rally to educate themselves on these issues and their nuances. As a matter of fact,  I learned from dialogue with some of the leaders of dreaMSU that it is racism, and not border security, that the organization is opposed to, which could have given the Morning Watch an opportunity to find some common ground! (Unless the Morning Watch really is an organization of closet racists… but that’s none of my business.) But anyway, how is the Morning Watch supposed to arrive at these conclusions if they aren’t even willing to give talking with those they disagree with the old college try?

At the Evening Look, we pride ourselves on having headlines that actually deliver on what they say they’re going to, so in conclusion, this is how to do actual investigative reporting:

  • Don’t be an ass.
  • Show up.
  • Keep an open mind. Hell, you might actually learn something!

CORRECTION: Another crucial difference between the Morning Watch and the Evening Look is that we very clearly admit when we were wrong about something. Don’t get us wrong. We may gaslight you. Actually most of our work is gaslighting. But unlike at TMW, we only gaslight with the truth. It was inaccurate to claim that Sergei was unable to gain any useful information from the recent dreaMSU rally. He just gained the wrong information, writing that Prof. Andaluna Borcila was the Madison professor that spoke at the rally. This was just factually false. Prof. Anna Pegler-Gordon was the one to speak at the rally, and when a friend of mine corrected Kelley on this point, he corrected the article, but only after waiting 24 hours and not actually issuing a correction like this one.

-R. Duck

Who is the Holmes Hall RA?: The Gingrich Code

Editor’s note: You didn’t think we’d give up on this, did you? After a long journey of self-discovery, The Evening Look’s Holmes Hall correspondent O. Justice has prepared another report of the trials and tribulations of finding the elusive Holmes Hall RA.

Yes, my faithful zealots of truth, undying brethren of escalating minor changes into a total war against perceived American values, I am back. Despite numerous attempts of leftist climate activists to shut down my coal-fueled laptop and ethical games journalist to force me to pick female Shepard in Mass Effect 3, I return now from an internship at my Dad’s insurance company to bring you the good word of fair, reasoned, liberal slaying conservative arguments. With that being said, do not believe that I have forgotten my purpose, the drive which brings me strength in a world of diversity castings in Marvel films. Of course, I am to say that all other intentions for life are subservient to a single cause: finding the Holmes Hall RA.

For those who have only recently found this publication through the socialist siren song of The Morning Watch, the Holmes Hall RA is simultaneously a person and an idea. Using the aforementioned liberal publication to expose the fundamental flaws of the very same outlet, the Holmes Hall RA is, for the lack of a more accurate term, a maestro of our cause. A god among men, he utilizes his Ohio-born wisdom and classical training in passing concussion protocols to vanquish the plague of gun reform. More broadly, however, he represents the hope that our country and its core value of viewing political opponents as existential threats will not perish. So long as this sans rival remains, the future which we hope to create remains obtainable.

What is that future? Well, I must concede that such information is hidden with the location of the Holmes Hall RA himself. This revelation, of course, leads us to the present predicament. Though implied, I will confirm that my last attempt to find the Holmes Hall RA ended after passing out on the indoor field in Dem Hall with three bottles of Nyquil and a bottle of Bacardi in hand. Upon waking to the polite kicking of a soccer ball into my face, I was, admittedly, broken by my failure to accomplish my primary function. Over the long days spent looking at the photo of Dad and his high school girlfriend in his office, however, I managed to find a certain degree of enlightenment. Whereas my previous quest to find Holmes Hall was founded on the presumption that the location was open information, I am now aware it is a closely guarded secret. Hidden within the texts of objective reporting and conservative opinions is the location of our great shepherd.

With this new revelation, I must once again ask you to join me in this holiest and noblest of endeavours. Together, let us search the texts of our heroes to find their cryptic allusions to the Prophet of Holmes Hall. Liberal activism and so-called policies be bound to their lies, we have the truth.