Conservatives Vote To Drop ‘Constitutional Democracy’ From PTCD

In an abrupt emergency meeting called in the wake of the current unprecedented assault of our country’s peaceful transfer of power, a faction of conservative students in Michigan State University’s James Madison College voted to remove “Constitutional Democracy” from the name of the Political Theory and Constitutional Democracy major in the residential college.

“It’s honestly been a long time coming,” said one member close to the decision making process of the group, expressing little concern over the events that unfolded in Washington D.C. on Jan. 6 of this year. 

“He has every right not to leave. We voted him in because he was a rule-breaker and we’re liking what we’re seeing.”

When asked about the reason behind the vote, the group cited major concerns over alleged voter fraud in the 2020 presidential election, but declined to comment when pressed to present credible evidence beyond what they cited from various 4chan accounts. 

“Millions of legal ballots thrown out in states Trump won, and so many more fake ones where he’s losing,” said another member, Colby Creamer. “It all makes so much sense.”

 They also described real distress over the possibility of a complete vote count.

“We were very much in favor of armed poll watchers in cities. I mean, all we’re trying to do is go back to our party’s roots,” said treasurer Shackleford Edgerton.

At around 10 p.m. the night of the election, the group decided to organize outside the MSU Union to protest the results. Maskless, early in the night, JMC conservatives could be heard chanting, “Count All Votes! Count All Votes!” and waving signs. 

But by early morning when it seemed more absentee ballots were being counted and Trump was losing hold of his lead in key states, the group quickly grabbed some sharpies and changed their tune. By 8 a.m., they could be seen adamantly yelling, “Stop the count!” with much more anger and much less excitement in their eyes. 

The group mirrored similar sentiments during Trump’s quid pro quo with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, which eventually led to his impeachment. When asked about the president withholding $400 million of congressionally mandated foreign aid for investigations into fraudulent conspiracies involving his would-be predecessor President-elect Joe Biden, the chairman of the group, Bill DaWall III, said,“The executive has absolute authority to dictate foreign policy as he sees it, and if that includes soliciting foreign interference into our ‘free and fair elections’ (air quotes his own), so be it.” 

When asked about the term “bribery” stated in the impeachment clause of the Constitution, the group said they were unfamiliar.

In fact, the group has also decided to remove the framed copy of the Constitution in their office, saying in an official statement, “The radical left constantly accuses our group of lacking progressivism, and we thought this was a step in the right direction.”

Additionally, they reversed their opposition to changing James Madison College’s name, claiming Madison, one of the document’s founding authors, has “gone out of style.” 

Instead, they recommended a number of replacements they felt better represent their views, including George Wallace, Pat Buchanan, the people who run “Liberty Hangout” on Twitter, and the guy who stole the Speaker of the House’s lectern.

Following the violent mob which broke in and ransacked the Capitol after inciting remarks by their party’s leaders, the conservatives cited frustration over dissimilar responses by Democrats during the uprisings against police brutality and systemic racism which took place over the summer. “It’s incredible how leftists can say nothing when Antifa starts a fire in a J. Crew outlet store, but everyone is up in arms at a little insurrection,” said member Horst Gilroy. 

Some historians noted the events on Jan. 6 marked the first time the nation’s Capitol had been breached since 1814 by the British Army. “We are the history makers, baby!” said one rioter, who was later identified as Anthony Biglione, a member of the Broad College of Business and a frequent evangelist for The Joe Rogan Experience. He then took a selfie to commemorate the felony he had just committed. 

Wherever the group decides to go from here, their message was clear: they want to take America back to a different era.

“We’re talking 1930s, 40s, and 50s is where we think the sweet spot is,” said member Aurora Speederton. ”Who knows what ramifications can come from allowing people to participate in our democracy who don’t hold our values, let alone our strong support for a healthy and thriving ruling class?”

-D. Lightful

Ladies, It’s Time To Go Back To Brunch!

Well, queens: We did it. Joe Biden has won the 2020 Presidential election, thus ending the tyrannical rule of D*nald Tr*mp. Gone are the days of worrying about children in cages. Gone are the days of thinking about Russian interference. Gone are the days of the Cheeto in the White House. Finally, I won’t have to wake up every morning, wondering what the President said on Twitter last night while searching for Canadian flight tickets.

Joe Biden is the President-elect, and now we can finally go back to brunch.

Continue reading Ladies, It’s Time To Go Back To Brunch!

Here Comes The Night Time

The thing about staying up all night is that the evening never ends. It will continue until the sun rises, alerting you to changes in the world around you.

At 3 AM on November 4, 2020, nobody knew who would be the next president. We still don’t know. CNN and MSNBC especially are surely enjoying the horse race. A “NAIL-BITER ELECTION COMES DOWN TO AZ, GA, MI, NC, PA, WI” while much of our audience tries to sleep through something that would in most years be done by midnight. Our horribly broken electoral system may once again fail to do what it was meant to do, balancing power between the states.

Political parties spent millions trying to get the votes of people like me and my parents because we live in a Designated Swing State, even though our votes have been set in stone since November 9, 2016. Everyone on Twitter needed to spend their night screaming at about 300,000 people in Florida, or at a governor who barred over twice that number from voting by forcing them to pay unreasonable amounts of money to vote.

At the same time, there are many on the left screaming at the Biden campaign for not reaching out to Latinx voters in much of the Sun Belt. It seemed that they just assumed they would get the same amount of votes they got in 2016 there, not bothering to see if that was actually the case or if anything strange was up. There was a sense of complacency, that they could just count on things happening because that’s what happened before. Although it’s too early to draw any conclusions about a nail-biter election, it does remind me of what this blog has become for me.

Continue reading Here Comes The Night Time

John James Demands a SACRIFICE

Regular readers understand the elite lifestyle of ya boy B. Bunny by now. For the past two months I’ve been doing the usual, laying on the couch watching the news, eating Elfwiches and drinking wine. (To all the new folk: just know that I’m a seriously classy bitch.)

Anyway, this classy bitch has seen too much of the old boob-tube for the last few months, and I want to vent about all the seasonal political ads I’ve been involuntarily consuming in this cursed election year. So far, I’ve learned that Joe Biden will be kind to old people and that I won’t be safe in my home unless I vote for Donald Trump. But I’ve been more intrigued by the ads of John James, the Republican running for the Senate here in Michigan. 

Continue reading John James Demands a SACRIFICE

Mike Bloomberg Supporters: A Complete Taxonomy

Until the Democratic debate in Nevada, I did not know much about Michael Bloomberg. I knew he was the billionaire ex-mayor of New York City who once tried to ban the sale of sugary drinks above the size of 16 oz. Alas, Mike has reemerged in the form of an underwhelming and potently uncomfortable candidate for the presidency. Bloomberg, apparently unaware of how many skeletons are in his diamond-encrusted closet, has dragged his mayoral record back into our faces just to launch a doomed presidential bid. 

Continue reading Mike Bloomberg Supporters: A Complete Taxonomy

Candidates of the Corn: The Evening Look Primary Guide

On the day of the Iowa Caucus, The Evening Look presents its undisputed supreme ranking of our top eight Democratic primary candidates. This article is of critical importance given our large fanbase in the Hawkeye State. We hope everyone takes the time to vote in whatever manner they choose.  Our careful vetting of the candidates and thorough insight into the election will help some of the undecided amongst you find the candidate that is right for you and the country.

Continue reading Candidates of the Corn: The Evening Look Primary Guide