Mike Bloomberg Supporters: A Complete Taxonomy

Until the Democratic debate in Nevada, I did not know much about Michael Bloomberg. I knew he was the billionaire ex-mayor of New York City who once tried to ban the sale of sugary drinks above the size of 16 oz. Alas, Mike has reemerged in the form of an underwhelming and potently uncomfortable candidate for the presidency. Bloomberg, apparently unaware of how many skeletons are in his diamond-encrusted closet, has dragged his mayoral record back into our faces just to launch a doomed presidential bid. 

Mike markets himself as the only candidate who can beat Donald Trump. But at this point, I have more questions than answers about his campaign. First of all, what on earth is Bloomberg doing? He’s one of the richest people on the planet and he chooses to spend his time getting his shit rocked by Elizabeth Warren?  I don’t get it. Secondly, who exactly is his base? I figured that by November 2019 the battle lines would have been firmly drawn and there would be no space left for any other qualified candidates, let alone Michael Bloomberg. 

One night as I lay tossing and turning, unable to come up with a satisfactory resolution to this question, I decided to launch a formal inquiry into just who these #Mike2020 supporters are. After extensive investigation, I’m ready to release my findings. The different types of Bloomberg supporters roughly fit into the following categories: 

  • Republicans

I thought that the Democrats had already drawn the battle lines before Bloomberg announced his run. But what I forgot to account for was the portion of the Democratic electorate that had yet to be claimed — Republicans. Bloomberg has by all accounts been successful in this arena, recently securing the critical endorsement of Clint Eastwood. You might remember Clint Eastwood from his speech at the 2012 Republican National Convention where he spent ten minutes talking to a wooden chair. Eastwood welcomes Mike as a more stable alternative to Trump, hilariously passing up Trump’s primary opponent, Bill Weld. Additionally, I can’t think of a candidate better equipped to represent the “#MeToo has gone too far” and the “what about the poor billionaires” wings of the Democratic party than a billionaire with a small but real history of sexual harassment.

  • People who think #SocialismSucks

At the Democratic debate in Nevada, Mikey showed us what happens when the gloves come off. His best zinger was directed toward Bernie Sanders: “The best known socialist in the country happens to be a millionaire with three houses. What did I miss here?” Nice one there, Mayor. Way to own the libs. All joking aside, Bloomberg may be playing his cards just right. On top of Sanders’ own inability to explain his past appraisal of authoritarian communist countries, the center-left media is having a field day with the Democratic frontrunner. It also seems that the “vote blue no matter who” crowd from the 2016 election is starting to go back on that sentiment, exposing that some are more scared of the word ‘socialist’ than four more years of Trump. 

  • People who like their steak done medium rare

As part of Bloomberg’s massive advertising campaign, residents of Phoenix and Las Vegas were treated to a few interesting billboards. One read “Donald Trump eats burnt steak. Mike Bloomberg likes his medium rare.” Another read “Donald Trump cheats at golf. Mike Bloomberg doesn’t.” This development signals to me that the Bloomberg campaign has resorted to boomer-tier, “orange man bad” CNN comment section memes. This campaign will nonetheless influence the large segment of voters who have thought about their primary vote for as long as it takes to prepare an undercooked steak. 

  • People who think he is the only one who can beat Trump

While this claim is just as evidenced as the existence of the so-called Holmes Hall, most of his backers take this as a cosmic truth. Not only do the majority of the candidates beat Trump in polls at any given time, but Bloomberg also doesn’t even win by the biggest margin. Now, you would be forgiven for believing that there is no one better to defeat Donald Trump than an equally disgusting New York businessman. However, you are not forgiven for thinking that the man who could not effectively battle a single Democratic candidate in Nevada could battle The Donald’s cult of personality. 

  • Evening Look Readers

The final and most important voter bloc for Bloomberg is the readers of this very publication. Likely due to Bloomberg’s placement in our candidate ranking earlier this year, our readers are far and away the most enthusiastic Bloomberg supporters on campus and in the East Lansing community. Perhaps our readers were thrilled when they found the meatball that looked like Mike, or perhaps they couldn’t pass up a president who can fit 11 D batteries in his mouth at the same time. Either way, these voters have decided to put the country into Bloomberg’s hands, and for that, we at The Evening Look applaud them.

Despite mounting pressure in the Democratic primary at large, we can all rest easy now that we better understand Bloomberg and his base.  Like Klobuchar and Buttigieg before him, he is likely to drop out in hopes of consolidating the moderate Democrats behind Joe Biden. We can expect Warren to do the same for Bernie, so prepare yourself for the clash of the second-choice titans. No matter what, you can expect a Democratic National Convention that’ll be just as fun to watch as our Spartans narrowly missing another Final Four win.

-J. Arc

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