Due to mysterious IT issues, voting in the ASMSU elections was delayed until this morning, March 31, and extended to April 6. Our guess is that Russian bots finally realized how important this election is to the balance of power in this country. No doubt that many of you read our election guide yesterday and were confused why you couldn’t vote. Well, we were too.
The good news is that during the delay, two more fantastic candidates saw our article and contacted us. We’re proud to include Aaron Iturralde (Education) and Jordan Kovach (James Madison) in our first-ever group of endorsements.
Iturralde is running on a broad platform that includes making himself available to his constituents through phone and email, holding office hours, advocating to make fifth-year internships in the College of Education more affordable, increasing teacher wages, greater transparency, increased diversity in the College of Education, and much more.
Kovach’s platform includes greater accountability for racial bias incidents on campus, advocating for MSU to divest from fossil fuels, putting feminine hygiene products in all campus bathrooms, increasing sustainability in dining halls, and greater support for immigrant students, regardless of documentation. She has also served as the secretary for the ASMSU Freshman Class Council this year.
We hope to see both of these students in the General Assembly next year, and we hope that those of you reading this vote.
It’s that time of year again, folks — the flowers are in bloom, short sleeves are acceptable outside clothing, and the 5% of students who pay attention to this stuff choose who ascends to the hallowed halls of the Associated Students of Michigan State University, our student government. Those committed 5% (which hopefully includes you, reader) vote for their college’s representative in the ASMSU General Assembly from today, March 30, to April 5.
Last year, our publication was most concerned with the antics of Agriculture and Natural Resources representative Sergei Kelley, editor-in-chief of The Morning Watch, and the General Assembly’s attempt to boot him from the body. After Kelley’s defeat at the hands of his fellow students last spring, we turn our attention to the body as a whole.
The COVID-19 pandemic has turned East Lansing into a ghost town. The Grand River strip is dotted with restaurants that no longer have bustling dining areas. People have retreated indoors to self-quarantine, shutting down most club activities. Even MSU’s museum has closed, depriving students of hours of fun on mandatory class field trips. What is left in a college town with no college?
Unfortunately, much like the coronavirus, our friends at The Morning Watchhave proven highly resilient. They have chosen to continue to chase new lows for horrific campus takes. Their latest, “A Symptom of Coronavirus: Less Leftist Bias,” may be the worst one yet.
Penned by the big boss himself, Sergei Kelley, the article finds him in a unique situation. One of The Morning Watch’s goals is to “expose leftist bias” on campus, a questionable endeavor already but near-impossible when the RA boards are unused and campus events are shut down. Now that there is no leftist bias to expose on campus, where do they go from here? It’s not easy to sneak into the Zoom lectures for a sociology class in the hopes that you might record a prof suggesting that privilege is a real phenomenon.
The answer — the coronavirus is actually good.
Kelley hedges this claim at the start of this article by saying, “This is not to trivialize our situation, but a blunt description of a consequence.” I have no idea why he would do this if he wants to work in conservative media, where the default response to claims of offensiveness is to claim victory on the basis of hurting your opponent’s feelings. But make no mistake — Kelley has deep respect for the coronavirus. It has done what he and his publication never could: stop left-wing events on campus.
One of the only things that hasn’t been straight up cancelled is a BLEXIT event with Candace Owens sponsored by MSU’s Turning Point USA chapter. This was merely postponed from April 7 to April 30, which seems inadequate as projections of the pandemic’s course suggest that normal life may not resume until June or July. However, given that Turning Point can’t get 50 people to an event, the event will definitely be CDC-compliant, so maybe they felt they could risk it. (Update: shortly after publication, MSU Turning Point canceled the event.)
There is no way to read this and not think it is trivializing the issue. This article absolutely salivates over the possibility that a deadly pandemic will stop Michigan State from putting up posters about not wearing blackface for Halloween. Your loved ones dying of severe, painful flu will be worth it if we don’t have to take a bias workshop so the university can pretend it tried to stop racist incidents on campus!
This could be excusable as an awful joke if this was simply placed in The Morning Watch’s satire section. But after our B. Bunny ethered their satire section back in January, their satire writer has disappeared. Perhaps they are too scared to place this trash opinion in the “just a joke” section and instead are forced to acknowledge that their honest-to-God opinion is that the coronavirus is good.
If you want a more serious response to coronavirus from the Watch, you have to go all the way to their Twitter page. In an attempt to look like an actual news site, they put out a press release on Twitter stating that they will be cancelling in-person meetings and telling readers to wash their hands and practice social distancing. The release also said they would be “focusing on exposing other avenues of leftist bias.” I suspect that will mean watching MSNBC on repeat and getting mad all the time instead of being cool and watching classic college basketball reruns on ESPN2.
Actually though, what other avenues are there to expose? The Morning Watch is a campus site. It’s not built to talk about national issues. At The Evening Look we pride ourselves on being able to talk about that sort of thing when campus events are slow, but they rarely talk about anything more consequential than ASMSU votes.
There is one avenue left for leftist bias left in the Watch’s purview: us. If the RA boards, bias workshops, and non-threatening liberal speakers are all taken away, the only thing this virus can’t kill on campus is our website. We will be stepping up our game in these last couple months of spring semester to fill the void of leftist bias left behind by the pandemic. Expect ASMSU endorsements, analysis of this ghost town, and more responses to whatever trash comes out of The Morning Watch’s keyboards.
We look forward to being your source for MSU’s leftist bias in these dark days.
Until the Democratic debate in Nevada, I did not know much about Michael Bloomberg. I knew he was the billionaire ex-mayor of New York City who once tried to ban the sale of sugary drinks above the size of 16 oz. Alas, Mike has reemerged in the form of an underwhelming and potently uncomfortable candidate for the presidency. Bloomberg, apparently unaware of how many skeletons are in his diamond-encrusted closet, has dragged his mayoral record back into our faces just to launch a doomed presidential bid.
Mike markets himself as the only candidate who can beat Donald Trump. But at this point, I have more questions than answers about his campaign. First of all, what on earth is Bloomberg doing? He’s one of the richest people on the planet and he chooses to spend his time getting his shit rocked by Elizabeth Warren? I don’t get it. Secondly, who exactly is his base? I figured that by November 2019 the battle lines would have been firmly drawn and there would be no space left for any other qualified candidates, let alone Michael Bloomberg.
One night as I lay tossing and turning, unable to come up with a satisfactory resolution to this question, I decided to launch a formal inquiry into just who these #Mike2020 supporters are. After extensive investigation, I’m ready to release my findings. The different types of Bloomberg supporters roughly fit into the following categories:
I thought that the Democrats had already drawn the battle lines before Bloomberg announced his run. But what I forgot to account for was the portion of the Democratic electorate that had yet to be claimed — Republicans. Bloomberg has by all accounts been successful in this arena, recently securing the critical endorsement of Clint Eastwood. You might remember Clint Eastwood from his speech at the 2012 Republican National Convention where he spent ten minutes talking to a wooden chair. Eastwood welcomes Mike as a more stable alternative to Trump, hilariously passing up Trump’s primary opponent, Bill Weld. Additionally, I can’t think of a candidate better equipped to represent the “#MeToo has gone too far” and the “what about the poor billionaires” wings of the Democratic party than a billionaire with a small but real history of sexual harassment.
People who think #SocialismSucks
At the Democratic debate in Nevada, Mikey showed us what happens when the gloves come off. His best zinger was directed toward Bernie Sanders: “The best known socialist in the country happens to be a millionaire with three houses. What did I miss here?” Nice one there, Mayor. Way to own the libs. All joking aside, Bloomberg may be playing his cards just right. On top of Sanders’ own inability to explain his past appraisal of authoritarian communist countries, the center-left media is having a field day with the Democratic frontrunner. It also seems that the “vote blue no matter who” crowd from the 2016 election is starting to go back on that sentiment, exposing that some are more scared of the word ‘socialist’ than four more years of Trump.
People who like their steak done medium rare
As part of Bloomberg’s massive advertising campaign, residents of Phoenix and Las Vegas were treated to a few interesting billboards. One read “Donald Trump eats burnt steak. Mike Bloomberg likes his medium rare.” Another read “Donald Trump cheats at golf. Mike Bloomberg doesn’t.” This development signals to me that the Bloomberg campaign has resorted to boomer-tier, “orange man bad” CNN comment section memes. This campaign will nonetheless influence the large segment of voters who have thought about their primary vote for as long as it takes to prepare an undercooked steak.
People who think he is the only one who can beat Trump
While this claim is just as evidenced as the existence of the so-called Holmes Hall, most of his backers take this as a cosmic truth. Not only do the majority of the candidates beat Trump in polls at any given time, but Bloomberg also doesn’t even win by the biggest margin. Now, you would be forgiven for believing that there is no one better to defeat Donald Trump than an equally disgusting New York businessman. However, you are not forgiven for thinking that the man who could not effectively battle a single Democratic candidate in Nevada could battle The Donald’s cult of personality.
Evening Look Readers
The final and most important voter bloc for Bloomberg is the readers of this very publication. Likely due to Bloomberg’s placement in our candidate ranking earlier this year, our readers are far and away the most enthusiastic Bloomberg supporters on campus and in the East Lansing community. Perhaps our readers were thrilled when they found the meatball that looked like Mike, or perhaps they couldn’t pass up a president who can fit 11 D batteries in his mouth at the same time. Either way, these voters have decided to put the country into Bloomberg’s hands, and for that, we at The Evening Look applaud them.
Despite mounting pressure in the Democratic primary at large, we can all rest easy now that we better understand Bloomberg and his base. Like Klobuchar and Buttigieg before him, he is likely to drop out in hopes of consolidating the moderate Democrats behind Joe Biden. We can expect Warren to do the same for Bernie, so prepare yourself for the clash of the second-choice titans. No matter what, you can expect a Democratic National Convention that’ll be just as fun to watch as our Spartans narrowly missing another Final Four win.
As I lay, half-baked and alone on the couch, watching Call Me by Your Name for the 6.9th time, I couldn’t help but think to myself:
“I’m pretty sure I’m straight, but damn if I wouldn’t fuck Armie Hammer rightnow.”
I want to make it crystal clear that I would be more than willing to enter into a heated romantic relationship with Armie Hammer if it meant living in Italy, sipping on San Pellegrino Aranciata all day, and finger fucking peaches all night. I also have a deep desire to marry both Winklevoss twins at the same time.
Daydreams of riding bicycles in way-too-short shorts aside, I would like to believe that I am a mostly straight man. However, this does not mean that I haven’t been around the queer community my whole life. I have two uncles who are gay, and I was baptized by a gay priest who was my uncle’s partner. So, don’t ever talk to me about “praying the gay away” . . .
. . . unless you’re Armie Hammer, in which case I will gladly discuss “praying the straight away” as quickly as possible.
On top of my fabulous baptism, I am friends with many individuals who lie at various points along the spectrums of sexual attraction and gender identity, and they have always appreciated my openness and fairness in discussing their perspectives and experiences. These conversations have even opened my eyes to the possibility of my own sexual fluidity, given the amount of times I have been called out for my flaming bisexual tendencies.
Therefore, as a (mostly) straight ally, I want to talk about supporting the cultural development of sharing with others the pronouns with which you identify.
I wish to address pronoun politics today in part because I believe they are valid, a little bit because it acts as a proxy for gender politics as a whole, but mostly because this will undoubtedly piss off our conservative readers who managed to keep reading past my fanboy-ish attempt at erotica earlier in this article.
Asking for someone’s pronouns is in the same league as asking for someone’s name. Pronouns are a part of how people identify and should therefore be respected the same as someone’s name, gender, or sexuality.
Think about it: Only insane people walk up to strangers and say “Hey, I know you said your name is Sergei, but you look like an Abby so imma call you that from now on.” That person is clearly incapable of functioning in a civil society. They should go back to finishing school to re-learn basic etiquette, as well as the answer to the eternal question: on which side of the plate does the soup spoon belong?
…Seriously, I want to know. I really need to impress Armie when we go on our soup date later.
Again, I digress. I’m sorry, Daddy.
In response to the socially conservative hatred of pronoun preferences, I would like to propose the following deal:
*Whispering in my sexiest bedroom voice* “Call me by your pronouns, and I’ll call you by mine.”
If people on the right are so insistent on neglecting the basic dignity of their fellow beings by refusing to call them by their self-identified words, then I would like to call them by whatever I choose.
I imagine the interaction would go something like this:
Thomas: “Hi, my name is Thomas. I am a man with a penis who attempts to date women, but I don’t feel comfortable calling myself a feminist since that’s kinda gay.”
Me: “Hello Thomas. You look like an average uneducated white guy, as is statistically likely for conservatives, but I am deciding to call you Lady Bird. You are in fact an 18-year-old raging feminist from Sacramento with mommy issues.”
Lady Bird: “Stop, sir, you are making me very uncomfortable. I don’t like girly movies like Lady Bird. It propagates foolish ideals such as female independence and is set in Sacramento, which is where the unabashedly progressive dictator of California, Gavin Newsom, lives.”
Me: “Lady Bird is a fantastic piece of cinema that speaks to all demographics and should be respected. Also, Gavin Newsom is not only a paragon of modern liberalism, he is also insanely hot and therefore should be worshipped like the queen he is. I therefore choose to instead address you as Baby Nut until you appreciate the art of theatre, you pussy.”
Baby Nut: “I do in fact love the art of cinema! Predator is my favorite movie because it is unabashedly masculine. It’s not some gay shit like La La Land.”
Me: “Would you like to see a movie about hypermasculinity that is objectively better than La La Land by having won an Oscar?”
Baby Nut: “Sounds great, what movie?”
Do you see how the outside imposition of an inherently internal attribute such as identity leads to a sense of helplessness and incongruity from within the individual? Do you see how this lack of civility leads to a social death-spiral?
An externally created self is an inherent enigma.
The basic right to one’s identity and autonomy is a fundamental part of what it means to both be human and to live in a society. If we deny people the right to self-identify, then why even allow people to legally change their names? Or have names at all?
If anything, your given name is the most un-American part of your identity since it was tyrannically imposed upon you without your consent, often by the literal patriarchy. Therefore, the social construct of given names is inherently fascistic, and we should embrace the concept of complete self-identification like the good postmodernists we say we are.
But I digress.
In conclusion, despite the amazing wordplay, I would sincerely ask that everyone reading this call me by MY pronouns, and I will call you by YOURS.
On the day of the Iowa Caucus, The Evening Look presents its undisputed supreme ranking of our top eight Democratic primary candidates. This article is of critical importance given our large fanbase in the Hawkeye State. We hope everyone takes the time to vote in whatever manner they choose. Our careful vetting of the candidates and thorough insight into the election will help some of the undecided amongst you find the candidate that is right for you and the country.
#7) Pete Buttigieg
Mayor Pete Buttijudge has emerged from relative obscurity to take the country by storm. The openly gay mayor from the home of the Fighting Irish is one of the most superficially qualified candidates in recent memory. A Harvard and Oxford graduate, Rhodes Scholar and former naval intelligence officer, Bootigeg brings the requisite elitism to the Democratic primary. The only thing he appears to lack is actual experience with national government or specific policies. He appears to be coasting mostly on the power of his gayness, youth, and the hotness of Chasten. While these are important and compelling elements of Beautygay’s campaign, his complete lack of support from the African American community is particularly troubling. He looks poised to perform worse amongst Black voters than George Wallace, and the issues go beyond just being gay.
Outside of his privileged white background, there are serious and credible concerns about Boothguild’s treatment of African Americans during his tenure as South Bend mayor. His handling of the shooting death of a Black man by a South Bend police officer exposed the simmering tensions between the Black community and their mayor, and his response to racial bias in the city’s Police Department left much to be desired. On policy, he mostly echoes his moderate companions in the primary, with his desire to increase defense spending while bringing the troops home representing his most unique position. Booty-G may be the first openly gay man to run for the Democratic nomination, but he is certainly not the first Republican. The most lasting legacy of Bettysledge’s campaign might be proving that homosexuality is not a choice, as he would certainly choose straightness if it was an option. I will leave you with Mayor Pete’s response to the tragic death of Kobe Bryant, which clearly demonstrates why he has failed to gain traction among Black voters and finishes in last place on our list: “There are millions of people, not just in Los Angeles, but around the world right now, mourning because they were inspired by what [Kobe] did on the field, what he meant off the field.”
#6.9) Joe Biden
After a four-year hiatus, the former Vice President is trying his hand at earning the world’s most significant promotion. He spent eight years as the country’s second in command and 36 as a senator, giving him unparalleled experience and national exposure. His campaign has centered on a return to normalcy, when wealthy, respectable, and subtly racist white men dominated the presidency, rather than the radical approaches of other Democratic challengers. Despite his inherent advantages and the widespread appeal of his messages, Biden has managed to squander his lead through a series of memeable moments. The long list includes telling the audience of a national debate to visit Joe 30330, bragging about being endorsed by the only African American senator while on a stage with Kamala Harris, and prescribing record players as the solution to childhood educational gaps. The most spectacular of these gaffes has to be the story of his showdown with CornPop, in which a young Biden armed himself with a 6-foot chain to defend a swimming pool from a Delaware gang leader and his straight-razor wielding cronies. Say what you will about Biden, but the man is not afraid to bring a chain to a knife fight.
You may be wondering why there is no criticism of Biden’s age similar to that leveled against Bernie. This is because while Biden may be a 77-year-old former Vice President, he is also a 46-year-old Black senator from Illinois. His entire campaign appears to revolve around reigniting the energy of his former boss behind the sleepiest man to ever run for President. He retains a significant lead among Black voters, but Biden is clearly trending in the wrong direction. While we may not be high on the CornPop slayer, there is one surefire way to know if he’s the right candidate for you. If you have ever responded to accusations of racism by claiming you voted for Obama, then Biden is your guy.
#6) Amy Klobuchar
All people are detestable, but there are levels to the atrociousness of humanity. Some people, beholden to malice, deem it socially acceptable and morally justifiable to consume salad. There are those among us who embrace a greater level of rancor and decide to consume salad on a plane. And then there exist members of our species with hearts entirely devoured by evil and enmity, members who resolve to ignore the mores and principles which govern human society, members who elect to consume salad on a plane with a comb. Cutting edge reporting from the deeply progressive New York Timesrevealed that the Minnesota Senator who survived #MeToo falls into the last category. The stories of Klobuchar’s outrageous and abusive behavior are numerous and supported by her extremely high employee turnover rate, but nothing approaches the abuse of humanity encapsulated by the salad story.
This should be enough to dismiss her as a potential candidate, but if you remain unconvinced there is plenty more to discuss. The Midwestern mom fails to present a unique policy perspective. She supports an expansion of Obamacare, raising taxes on the wealthy, banning assault weapons, and campaign finance restrictions. She is also a former prosecutor—an immediate red flag—and her prosecution of one case despite minimal evidence has led to calls from a number of Minnesota civil rights organizations to suspend her campaign. But maybe you recognize that America’s systemic racism inspires every candidate to be tough on crime and are willing to give her a pass on this one. Maybe her tendency to throw objects in frustration is a good thing; nailing Vladimir Putin in the face with a telephone would rank right up there with Bill’s BJ for coolest things to happen in the Oval Office. If the New York Times can ignore their own reporting in endorsing Klobuchar, then you can too. We are less inclined to give her all these benefits of the doubt and have yet to form the intimate connections with our insurance policies she fears destroying, leaving the Minnesota moderate sitting just outside the top five.
#5) Tom Steyer
This brings us to the tartan tie enthusiast and second billionaire running for the nomination of the Good Billionaires party. While Steyer is outspending the field by a wide margin, Bloomberg is buying voters at almost twice his rate. In the immortal East vs. West battle between Biggie and Tupac, the latter was definitely half Biggie’s size. In this much less inspiring battle of the coasts, Steyer is about half as rich as his chief adversary and significantly less interesting. We have yet to witness either candidate release a diss track as potent as “Hit ‘Em Up”, though such an event would be both more engaging and important than the actual primary. Returning to Tom, the man appears willing to try anything to be taken seriously, whether it’s incinerating his money on ads, attempting to be Bernie Sanders’ BFF, or endorsing reparations. The entire situation invokes a deep sense of pity, his well-intentioned failures rivaling my grandpa’s decision to gift a 12-year-old me the New York Times’ Bestselling fiction novel during a year that title was held by Fifty Shades of Grey.
On the policy front Steyer is actually one of our favorite candidates. He recognizes the catastrophic impact of climate change, supports some restrictions on firearms and an expansion of public healthcare, and most importantly he wants to reduce the political influence of people like himself. In that sense Steyer is really taking one for the billionaire team, spending all his money in the hopes he can get elected and prevent his bedfellows of tremendous wealth from repeating his mistake. It might be Bernie’s calling card, but facts like these make it impossible to deny that Steyer is also running on a platform of class solidarity. You could certainly do worse than voting for Steyer, but watching him makes me cry tears that should be reserved for Marley & Me and Zero Dark Thirty. For all these reasons, and the fact that I had to learn about tartan to write this article, Tom Steyer comes in at the perfectly mediocre fifth place.
#4) Elizabeth Warren
Much has been made of the Massachusetts Senator’s identity during her primary campaign, and The Evening Look set out to put these issues to bed once and for all. After earning the nickname “Pocahontas” for erroneously claiming to have Native American ancestry, Warren recently brought additional drama to the debate stage by embracing media reports claiming Bernie Sanders told her a woman could not be elected President. With the two progressives squabbling, The Evening Look commissioned some cutting-edge research into Warren’s family tree. Their tremendous work revealed that, as someone with both a mother and a father, Elizabeth Warren is only 50% woman. Bernard Sanders is also the son of a man and a woman, making him 50% woman as well. This evidence proves that Warren’s claim is ridiculous, as Bernie would be invalidating his own chances just as much as his progressive rival’s.
From a policy perspective, Warren mostly checks all the progressive boxes. She supports Medicare for All and free college, taking sharp measures to curb climate change, reducing the defense budget and bringing the troops home, and eliminating the electoral college. She shares a number of similarities with the next candidate on the list and voting for her would not be a mistake. My biggest concerns are the economic viability of a wealth tax, her focus on offshoring instead of automation as the chief threat to American jobs, and while I am wholly unqualified to comment on this matter, the Senator may want to consider diversifying her earring collection. There is very little to dislike about Senator Warren, but we all know a woman can’t be elected President, dropping her down to fourth place.
#3) Bernie Sanders
The story of the Brooklyn Jew who moves north and captures the country by storm on the back of radical economic reform and a base less than half his age may be one of the greatest of our age. If a movie normalizing human-fish intercourse can win Best Picture, then the life of a man dedicating to normalizing fucking the rich must have a shot. While I look forward to the film depicting a loner from the streets of New York who starts a revolution, hopefully starring Joe Queen Phoenix, for now we will just have to settle for reality.
As a poor college student, I find a number of Bernie’s policies appealing. My grandpa telling me how he used the funds from his prostitution business to pay off his $100 tuition does not help me afford college, mostly because my grandpa has dementia and never went to college, but also because pimping ain’t easy. Figuring out how to navigate the healthcare system is quite literally the worst part of my life, and the element of our society designed to help save my life is most responsible for me wanting to die. For these reasons and many others, Bernie’s policies have tremendous appeal and he’s one of the best Democratic candidates. But the man is 78. He was born in 1941. He was alive for WWII. “1917” is based on his experiences fighting in WWI. He witnessed the American and French Revolutions. He personally financed the construction of the Cathedral of Notre Dame. Bernie witnessed the birth of Prophet Muhammad, the death of Jesus Christ, and accepted the Ten Commandments from God on Mount Sinai. It is remarkably clear that the man is on the wrong side of 69. Bernie may have had 40 years to change Washington for the better, but we believe if you give him four more, he won’t let us down, and for that reason he gets the bronze medal.
#2) Andrew Yang
While Oprah’s run for President never panned out, a middle-aged Asian businessman has brought the TV star’s spirit of giving to Democratic Primary. While this demographic shift cost him significantly among stay-at-home moms, Yang has found tremendous support from college students like us who can’t imagine a job that actually pays, nevertheless getting money for free. I have no idea what I would do with an extra $12,000. If my dealer counts, then I would definitely be using some of it to support local businesses. Maybe Sergei Kelley could afford a better microphone… or an editor. While Yang’s true strength lies in recognizing that the economic consequences of automation will dramatically outweigh those of corporate offshoring, that’s a lot more complicated than $12,000 every year. The Freedom Dividend is free money and that’s freedom, baby! America! #YangGang!
Yang would be a clear choice for #1 if it wasn’t for one glaring weakness — he enjoys math. It is a staple of his campaign, repeatedly appearing on his debate attire and dominating the mostly wonderful Yang merch store. I do not enjoy math. In fact, I actively dislike it. I was the champion of flashcard arithmetic in second grade, but it has been all downhill since. Math can fuck off, and because two is less than one, the master of Twitter comes in second place.
#1) Michael Bloomberg
Our top pick will surely come as a surprise to loyal readers and newcomers alike. The billionaire media mogul and former Republican is admittedly not aligned with The Evening Look on the vast majority of policy matters. And when Bloomberg first announced his campaign in late November, none of us had faith in his chances. Between the embarrassing failure of Bill de Blasio’s run for President and the very public meltdown of Rudy Giuliani, the prestige associated with being the mayor of New York City has abruptly plummeted. And in truth, with Bloomberg polling at less than 2% in Iowa and Nevada and under 5% in New Hampshire, he stands little chance of reclaiming that former glory. But he is certainly succeeding at making us laugh.
A candidate for the President of the United States posted a photo of his face photoshopped onto a meatball. Say what you will about online engagement strategies, but even the most cynical amongst you must admit this is a monumental moment. We are entering a new era, and Michael Bloomberg is leading the way. The billionaire has proven he is not afraid to stop running a traditional campaign and get frisky, demonstrating his humor and humanity. He’s become a surprisingly touching candidate, which we wholeheartedly support, so long as it stays on our computer screens and off the streets of New York. Bloomberg may pose a serious threat to the integrity of our democratic process, but recent events have already torn that to pieces. We believe he will not win the nomination, but he has won our hearts, making Mike our top candidate for the Democratic nomination.
Longtime readers may remember that back in September, flyers for this blog went up around campus. Our flyer team noticed a Morning Watch poster folded on itself and placed our own flyer over it. This caused Morning Watch editor-in-chief Sergei Kelley to send a four-part DM to a loyal reader, under the impression that they worked for us. We thought that this would surely be the funniest interaction we ever had in the DMs, but we’re proud to announce that we were mistaken.
A few days ago, we checked the Evening Look Facebook page to find this:
Though a shorter DM, this incident demands a full breakdown.
First off, note the time this was sent – Sunday the 20th at 6:20 PM. Sergei is a proud Catholic, as he is happy to point out. What is he doing beefing with a Facebook page on the Sabbath? It’s just after suppertime on the Lord’s day! This man went to Mass in the morning to learn about God’s infinite love and goodness and then sent supervillain shit in the DM to an account with 10 likes. This does not sound like the behavior of someone pursuing Jesus, but as heathens we are not qualified to evaluate that.
It was also the day before Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a holiday when we get together and ponder tolerance, civil rights, and whether MLK would have agreed with our particular political persuasion. After all, what use is he if he doesn’t align perfectly with our beliefs? This DM certainly falls short of the spirit of Rev. King. But it was not his day yet, so let’s give Sergei a pass here.
We must also explore the trigger for this verbal assault on our journalistic integrity. Given that most of the DM is dedicated to talking about the Holmes Hall RA, we can assume that Sergei has discovered our long-running series on finding this mythical man who serves as a vital source for Morning Watch pieces.
Sergei asserts that the Holmes Hall RA is real. But The Evening Look has published threeseparatepieces from our field reporter O. Justice dedicated to the fact that we cannot figure out where Holmes Hall is, much less discover the man of infinite Ohio-born wisdom who lives there. Sergei’s DM has failed to give us any more information on the location of Holmes Hall, whose alien geometries have eluded us despite multi-week drug benders and potato-based ritual sacrifices. How can he so confidently assert that Holmes Hall is not only real but houses one of his most dependable contacts? The mystery will continue until someone can give us directions there.
Sergei also made sure to call us “fake news” for some reason. Despite his obsession with our small WordPress blog, he clearly has not engaged with the pieces. We have never posted news. We don’t do journalism. We do shitposting criticism. We have facts in most of our articles, but The Evening Look has never purported to possess a scrap of journalistic ability. We literally cannot be “fake news”. We’re just a bunch of idiots with a platform. This is a lazy, Z-tier Trump tweet level of intimidation.
Finally, Sergei asked us to stop being “cowards” and put our “real names” on our pieces. I don’t know if it has to do with Sergei’s deeply religious upbringing in Northern Michigan, but we DO use our real names! Why would we list our names if not to let our loyal readers know who we are? O. Justice is 100% a real name. Perhaps Sergei takes offense at us not providing our true names received at Confirmation. If so, he will see that our floundering rap careers provide little need for a name change.
To quote NASA legend and personal role model Buzz Lightyear, Sergei is acting like a “sad, strange little man”. Does he not know that we are eternally ‘taking the piss’, as our friends across the pond who have nationalized health insurance say? I honestly become elated anytime he drops into our DMs because it will always serve to remind me that he still doesn’t know how to deal with critics and gives me hope that this deficiency will stunt his professional political growth in the future. Sergei is simply not fit to survive in the postmodern arena of the internet. The only grand narrative being written right now is the tragedy of Sergei’s DMs that paint the picture of a boomer trapped in a zoomer’s body.
We’d like to thank Sergei for once again proving himself to be an absolute weirdo. That DM is the devil, and it seems no amount of rosaries can save him from the temptation. If you will excuse us, we need to celebrate the Sabbath the right way this weekend: by watching large men run into each other in the pursuit of Rocky Lombardi’s trophy.