Down in the DMs: 2 Sergei 2 Slide

“That DM is the devil, son!”

music video for Yo Gotti’s “Down in the DM”

Longtime readers may remember that back in September, flyers for this blog went up around campus. Our flyer team noticed a Morning Watch poster folded on itself and placed our own flyer over it. This caused Morning Watch editor-in-chief Sergei Kelley to send a four-part DM to a loyal reader, under the impression that they worked for us. We thought that this would surely be the funniest interaction we ever had in the DMs, but we’re proud to announce that we were mistaken.

A few days ago, we checked the Evening Look Facebook page to find this:

Though a shorter DM, this incident demands a full breakdown.

First off, note the time this was sent – Sunday the 20th at 6:20 PM. Sergei is a proud Catholic, as he is happy to point out. What is he doing beefing with a Facebook page on the Sabbath? It’s just after suppertime on the Lord’s day! This man went to Mass in the morning to learn about God’s infinite love and goodness and then sent supervillain shit in the DM to an account with 10 likes. This does not sound like the behavior of someone pursuing Jesus, but as heathens we are not qualified to evaluate that.

It was also the day before Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a holiday when we get together and ponder tolerance, civil rights, and whether MLK would have agreed with our particular political persuasion. After all, what use is he if he doesn’t align perfectly with our beliefs? This DM certainly falls short of the spirit of Rev. King. But it was not his day yet, so let’s give Sergei a pass here.

We must also explore the trigger for this verbal assault on our journalistic integrity. Given that most of the DM is dedicated to talking about the Holmes Hall RA, we can assume that Sergei has discovered our long-running series on finding this mythical man who serves as a vital source for Morning Watch pieces. 

Sergei asserts that the Holmes Hall RA is real. But The Evening Look has published three separate pieces from our field reporter O. Justice dedicated to the fact that we cannot figure out where Holmes Hall is, much less discover the man of infinite Ohio-born wisdom who lives there. Sergei’s DM has failed to give us any more information on the location of Holmes Hall, whose alien geometries have eluded us despite multi-week drug benders and potato-based ritual sacrifices. How can he so confidently assert that Holmes Hall is not only real but houses one of his most dependable contacts? The mystery will continue until someone can give us directions there.

Sergei also made sure to call us “fake news” for some reason. Despite his obsession with our small WordPress blog, he clearly has not engaged with the pieces. We have never posted news. We don’t do journalism. We do shitposting criticism. We have facts in most of our articles, but The Evening Look has never purported to possess a scrap of journalistic ability. We literally cannot be “fake news”. We’re just a bunch of idiots with a platform. This is a lazy, Z-tier Trump tweet level of intimidation.

Finally, Sergei asked us to stop being “cowards” and put our “real names” on our pieces. I don’t know if it has to do with Sergei’s deeply religious upbringing in Northern Michigan, but we DO use our real names! Why would we list our names if not to let our loyal readers know who we are? O. Justice is 100% a real name. Perhaps Sergei takes offense at us not providing our true names received at Confirmation. If so, he will see that our floundering rap careers provide little need for a name change.

To quote NASA legend and personal role model Buzz Lightyear, Sergei is acting like a “sad, strange little man”. Does he not know that we are eternally ‘taking the piss’, as our friends across the pond who have nationalized health insurance say? I honestly become elated anytime he drops into our DMs because it will always serve to remind me that he still doesn’t know how to deal with critics and gives me hope that this deficiency will stunt his professional political growth in the future. Sergei is simply not fit to survive in the postmodern arena of the internet. The only grand narrative being written right now is the tragedy of Sergei’s DMs that paint the picture of a boomer trapped in a zoomer’s body.

We’d like to thank Sergei for once again proving himself to be an absolute weirdo. That DM is the devil, and it seems no amount of rosaries can save him from the temptation. If you will excuse us, we need to celebrate the Sabbath the right way this weekend: by watching large men run into each other in the pursuit of Rocky Lombardi’s trophy.

-The Evening Look Staff

All Work and No Play…

Rene Descartes, “Unknown”

Sometimes, in the course of making these little criticisms, I come across an article that has such poor writing its premise falls apart under the weakest examination. One such article was “The Superiority Complex of the Left”, published on (where else?) The Morning Watch and attributed to Jack Carlson. I say “attributed” because I have no idea why anyone would put their real name on this. 

Carlson’s point is that the campus left is unique in its hypocrisy towards its stated values. They believe in freedom of expression, but have all these big bad institutions like bias workshops and advisory signs in the dorms. 

The problem is that Carlson’s life experience, per his article, doesn’t track with his opinion. After saying that he wishes that he could engage respectfully with people he disagrees with politically, the next line reveals he has lots of friends that he disagrees with. He says that the predominant trait of campus leftism is “a sense of moral superiority” but also says most of the leftist students he has met are “intelligent, decent, and reasonable people”. So he’s met a lot of students who are leftists, or at the very least further left than him, and they’ve been nice to him and have had good conversations with him where they respect each other. Yet he continues to insist that campus leftism is none of those things.

Here at The Evening Look, our job is to provide the sense of moral superiority Carlson can’t find in regular campus leftism. We are proud to state that we believe we are morally great and better than The Morning Watch. Has he considered being better, like us? 

But this is not an article about campus leftism. This is an article about getting Owned Online. Carlson is mad, red, and nude, as they say on Twitter. Why is he that way? People didn’t like an article he wrote about a James Madison College #ClimateStrike panel. Words such as “inaccurate” and “slanderous” were thrown around (of course, there are no receipts provided for these insults). If random users on Twitter calling an article “inaccurate” cause you to write a whole article about how your ideology is actually good, you may have the thin skin you claim to see in others.

This leads to the biggest howler of the article: “Conservatism in its nature, does not appear to be an ideology that causes students to strike out at their peers and hold a tone of superiority towards others.” What is The Morning Watch if not conservatives striking out at their non-conservative peers by “exposing leftist bias”? Is “Objectivity, Not Subjectivity” not holding a tone of superiority by implicitly implying that this opinion article is objective fact rather than, well, an opinion? I’m baffled by this sentence.

Maybe I shouldn’t be. Carlson has published four opinion articles in under a month and a half, which represents nearly two-thirds of the entire article output of the site. Perhaps he’s simply working on a deadline for that sweet, sweet #content. Who hasn’t just thrown a bunch of stuff together last minute to turn in? I know I have. If we had deadlines to meet, we’d be pulling all nighters and drinking dangerous amounts of Red Bull while we cranked out pieces about the tyranny of conservative PTCD professors. 

The Morning Watch should reconsider its content strategy if it’s forcing a single writer to crank out as many opinions as possible to keep its name out there. The piece isn’t ready for prime time, and I hope Carlson frees himself of the content mill he finds himself in.

-K. Sins

High Thoughts: Why Conservatives Aren't Funny

Dear viewers, let’s set the scene real quick: 

I, your esteemed author, have just sat down to spill his thoughts out onto his laptop after having just taken a fatass rip of wax, with Vampire Weekend on the speaker and Emeril Legasse on the TV. 

I am in an uncanny state of mind.

An attempt at visualizing what the author saw while writing this.

So let me talk about what’s been really snazzing my jazz lately: the Morning Watch’s pitiful attempt at a ‘satire’ section on their website. 

Literally nobody asked for this. Its very existence is currently destroying the one shared brain cell we have as a species, and for this reason I request that it be discontinued immediately.

Now, I am aware that a non-insignificant number of our viewers are actually collegiate conservatives who just like to make fun of our “zero effort WordPress website”. 

They’re right: we put barely any effort into our content, yet are also funnier and more critical than Sergei Kelley The Morning Watch. I’m sure that all my boys reading this who like this humor will do one of two things: complain like the “snowflakes” they despise, or realize that we, the plebian “Evening Blind” as referred to by Daddy Sergei, have successfully influenced The Morning Watch’s decision making and thus have been formally noticed by senpai. 

For my Republican readers, allow me to use this attention to educate you on one simple fact: conservatives cannot be funny. 

Let me explain.

Humor and comedy are effective because of a basic formula they follow: 

1) Identify some true absurdity occurring in the world, 2) maximize said absurdity beyond its usual boundaries in order to expose the sheer stupidity or juxtaposition of said phenomenon, and 3) punchline.

Humor as a communicative tool exists for humans to be reminded of our failings, absurdities, or irrational idiosyncrasies in order to make fun of them and become a little more enlightened. This is why random humor isn’t funny, because it un-strategically attempts to shotgun multiple subjects at the viewer in hopes that they find some cosmic absurdity among a few of the subjects being joked about. 

I’m only 20 minutes into a 2 hour high.

Allow me to critically analyze one of the Morning Watch’s more recent satire pieces to illustrate my point.

I just went to Google to look up The Morning Watch and only found a bunch of youth-based Bible sites that look like shit. I’m sorry for the aside. Let me get back to my words.

Ok, first of all, upon reading the Baby Bible Website’s satire piece on forced diversity classes I see a couple typos/mistakes that I will refuse to specify in order to make The Morning Watch actually review its content for once in a goddamn election cycle. 

I’m getting too high for this.

So this piece of literature titled Mandatory Diversity Classes WILL Increase yadayadyada sets the scene in a fantasy world MSU that creates classes to teach students about microaggressions, macroaggressions, and picoagrerssions because all of a sudden blinks can be offensive. (???) They then present the viewer with some fake student interviews, which is strange given that dedicated readers know the Holmes Hall RA could be any made up schmuck that Sergei knows. 

Holy shit Meat Loaf just came on the speaker and I’m fucking hype rn, bout ta pop off

I must admit that The Morning Watch does get the first step of humor right in this article. They are able to successfully identify a small societal absurdity, in this case the existence of educating people on how to be decent citizens who treat each other with respect. How could anyone ever think that this is acceptable in Trump’s America? So of course they choose to cling to the tit of “microagression education” in order to milk it for as much comedic potential as possible.

The problem with The Morning Watch’s humor is that they cling to the tit and don’t suck. They fail to do step two and magnify it. Yes, they frame microagression classes as mandatory, and make up some bullshit “picoagression” class that teaches people about sexist blinking. The problem is that these are real possibilities due to the shitty way that people who read The Morning Watch keep acting to minorities and women.  

Worse, the humor conservatives create is always a subtle defense for their own backwards views. Good comedy can’t be defensive! Comedy is meant to be progressive and challenging, in order to expose stupidity and laugh it away. Comedians and humorists have nothing to defend. They make fun of everything, even themselves. Conservatives, and particularly Morning Watch humor writer Thomas “Kanye said nothing wrong” West, write like they still have an ego which hasn’t been destroyed by a generational depression induced by gun violence, global warming, and Nazis. All their humor does is remind us that people are still out there who could march on Charlottesville again. The comedic value derived from their not-quite-absurd enough humor is innately tempered by the reality in which these subjects dwell. 

To put it bluntly, The Morning Watch’s humor is too grounded, poorly structured, and sounds like its written by a guy who was called funny once by another conservative and decided he was George fucking Costanza. 

Regarding the lack of structure, there’s never any punchline to their humor. They never tie it up in a neat bow or use any callbacks. It just meanders throughout its confusing existence, much like the Republican Party after the existence of Trump.

Humor has to be pointed! It must be stinging, biting, visceral, and carry a real punch. You can only do that through structure, elsewise I just feel like Mr. West is draping me in a semi-moist towel with a slightly too passive-aggressive grip, but not enough that I won’t say “thank you.”

In conclusion: Mr. West, do better. The Morning Watch Sergei Kelley, please off this fool if he can’t do better. Readers, please remember to make fun of stupidity as much as possible, since that’s the only way to make this mess of a world marginally more enjoyable than suicide.

I’m about an hour into my high and feeling fucking amazing, so I’m gonna crawl into the kitchen and down half a pack of Keebler Elfwiches. 

-B. Bunny