Down in the DMs: 2 Sergei 2 Slide

“That DM is the devil, son!”

music video for Yo Gotti’s “Down in the DM”

Longtime readers may remember that back in September, flyers for this blog went up around campus. Our flyer team noticed a Morning Watch poster folded on itself and placed our own flyer over it. This caused Morning Watch editor-in-chief Sergei Kelley to send a four-part DM to a loyal reader, under the impression that they worked for us. We thought that this would surely be the funniest interaction we ever had in the DMs, but we’re proud to announce that we were mistaken.

A few days ago, we checked the Evening Look Facebook page to find this:

Though a shorter DM, this incident demands a full breakdown.

First off, note the time this was sent – Sunday the 20th at 6:20 PM. Sergei is a proud Catholic, as he is happy to point out. What is he doing beefing with a Facebook page on the Sabbath? It’s just after suppertime on the Lord’s day! This man went to Mass in the morning to learn about God’s infinite love and goodness and then sent supervillain shit in the DM to an account with 10 likes. This does not sound like the behavior of someone pursuing Jesus, but as heathens we are not qualified to evaluate that.

It was also the day before Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a holiday when we get together and ponder tolerance, civil rights, and whether MLK would have agreed with our particular political persuasion. After all, what use is he if he doesn’t align perfectly with our beliefs? This DM certainly falls short of the spirit of Rev. King. But it was not his day yet, so let’s give Sergei a pass here.

We must also explore the trigger for this verbal assault on our journalistic integrity. Given that most of the DM is dedicated to talking about the Holmes Hall RA, we can assume that Sergei has discovered our long-running series on finding this mythical man who serves as a vital source for Morning Watch pieces. 

Sergei asserts that the Holmes Hall RA is real. But The Evening Look has published three separate pieces from our field reporter O. Justice dedicated to the fact that we cannot figure out where Holmes Hall is, much less discover the man of infinite Ohio-born wisdom who lives there. Sergei’s DM has failed to give us any more information on the location of Holmes Hall, whose alien geometries have eluded us despite multi-week drug benders and potato-based ritual sacrifices. How can he so confidently assert that Holmes Hall is not only real but houses one of his most dependable contacts? The mystery will continue until someone can give us directions there.

Sergei also made sure to call us “fake news” for some reason. Despite his obsession with our small WordPress blog, he clearly has not engaged with the pieces. We have never posted news. We don’t do journalism. We do shitposting criticism. We have facts in most of our articles, but The Evening Look has never purported to possess a scrap of journalistic ability. We literally cannot be “fake news”. We’re just a bunch of idiots with a platform. This is a lazy, Z-tier Trump tweet level of intimidation.

Finally, Sergei asked us to stop being “cowards” and put our “real names” on our pieces. I don’t know if it has to do with Sergei’s deeply religious upbringing in Northern Michigan, but we DO use our real names! Why would we list our names if not to let our loyal readers know who we are? O. Justice is 100% a real name. Perhaps Sergei takes offense at us not providing our true names received at Confirmation. If so, he will see that our floundering rap careers provide little need for a name change.

To quote NASA legend and personal role model Buzz Lightyear, Sergei is acting like a “sad, strange little man”. Does he not know that we are eternally ‘taking the piss’, as our friends across the pond who have nationalized health insurance say? I honestly become elated anytime he drops into our DMs because it will always serve to remind me that he still doesn’t know how to deal with critics and gives me hope that this deficiency will stunt his professional political growth in the future. Sergei is simply not fit to survive in the postmodern arena of the internet. The only grand narrative being written right now is the tragedy of Sergei’s DMs that paint the picture of a boomer trapped in a zoomer’s body.

We’d like to thank Sergei for once again proving himself to be an absolute weirdo. That DM is the devil, and it seems no amount of rosaries can save him from the temptation. If you will excuse us, we need to celebrate the Sabbath the right way this weekend: by watching large men run into each other in the pursuit of Rocky Lombardi’s trophy.

-The Evening Look Staff

Who is the Holmes Hall RA?: The Gingrich Code

Editor’s note: You didn’t think we’d give up on this, did you? After a long journey of self-discovery, The Evening Look’s Holmes Hall correspondent O. Justice has prepared another report of the trials and tribulations of finding the elusive Holmes Hall RA.

Yes, my faithful zealots of truth, undying brethren of escalating minor changes into a total war against perceived American values, I am back. Despite numerous attempts of leftist climate activists to shut down my coal-fueled laptop and ethical games journalist to force me to pick female Shepard in Mass Effect 3, I return now from an internship at my Dad’s insurance company to bring you the good word of fair, reasoned, liberal slaying conservative arguments. With that being said, do not believe that I have forgotten my purpose, the drive which brings me strength in a world of diversity castings in Marvel films. Of course, I am to say that all other intentions for life are subservient to a single cause: finding the Holmes Hall RA.

For those who have only recently found this publication through the socialist siren song of The Morning Watch, the Holmes Hall RA is simultaneously a person and an idea. Using the aforementioned liberal publication to expose the fundamental flaws of the very same outlet, the Holmes Hall RA is, for the lack of a more accurate term, a maestro of our cause. A god among men, he utilizes his Ohio-born wisdom and classical training in passing concussion protocols to vanquish the plague of gun reform. More broadly, however, he represents the hope that our country and its core value of viewing political opponents as existential threats will not perish. So long as this sans rival remains, the future which we hope to create remains obtainable.

What is that future? Well, I must concede that such information is hidden with the location of the Holmes Hall RA himself. This revelation, of course, leads us to the present predicament. Though implied, I will confirm that my last attempt to find the Holmes Hall RA ended after passing out on the indoor field in Dem Hall with three bottles of Nyquil and a bottle of Bacardi in hand. Upon waking to the polite kicking of a soccer ball into my face, I was, admittedly, broken by my failure to accomplish my primary function. Over the long days spent looking at the photo of Dad and his high school girlfriend in his office, however, I managed to find a certain degree of enlightenment. Whereas my previous quest to find Holmes Hall was founded on the presumption that the location was open information, I am now aware it is a closely guarded secret. Hidden within the texts of objective reporting and conservative opinions is the location of our great shepherd.

With this new revelation, I must once again ask you to join me in this holiest and noblest of endeavours. Together, let us search the texts of our heroes to find their cryptic allusions to the Prophet of Holmes Hall. Liberal activism and so-called policies be bound to their lies, we have the truth.

Who is the Holmes Hall RA? (2) – Where the fuck is Holmes Hall?

Finally sobering up after my third encounter with the “Kavanaugh Special” (a 24 pack of Natty Light-Tylenol combo), I began my pilgrimage to Holmes Hall. Unfortunately, however, I did not know where the fuck Holmes Hall was actually located. Is it in South Neighborhood? North? Somewhere in the hell hole which is River Trail? Before I learned that my prophète malgré lu graced its cramped halls, I had thought that it was the gulag where MSU abandoned its freshman-but-sophomore-by-credit academics and the no preference majors who thought they were going to Grand Valley. No, now it was my Mecca and I intend to pray before my god.

Once again, however, and I cannot reiterate this enough, I did not know where the fuck Holmes Hall was. And, with that “Kavanaugh Special” still making me hallucinate about my lost Prussian grandfather, I was in no shape to step outside. Disappointed, I grabbed my phone and started to play Seal’s 1995 hit single “Kiss from a Rose” from my half shattered Zune. While the sweet tunes from Seal’s immaculate mouth soothed my growing sadness, I received divine-like inspiration.

“Intern 3, get in here,” I yelled out my door.

Quickly, a tall, but thin freshman jogged into the room. Intern 3 is what I call him, though I think his name is Craig. Who cares? Regardless, I explained the situation to him and ordered that he was to go to Holmes Hall and begin the search. While I was speaking, I noticed dark rings around his eyes and his short black hair looking disheveled. He must have been hitting the peyote hard last night. When I finished, he attempted to say something, but I cut him off by throwing three of my deluxe edition dvd copies of Braveheart at him–man, Mel Gibson is really misunderstood. Intern 3 dodged my assault and rushed out the room, but only after picking up my precious dvds and stacking them neatly on my dresser.

It has now been 36 hours since I sent intern 3 on his assignment, with no indication that he has completed the task. I am now nearly certain that he has been lost and is either on a five day opium bender–ah, I miss the 90s–or has been taken by George Soros. Further, I am somewhat certain that what he attempted to tell me was that he also did not know where the fuck Holmes Hall is located. Well, I am now seeing straight and it was not like Craig contributed anything to this publication. I was not going to mention him in this story anyway. This was my journey and there is no way I am allowing anyone but the true faithful to rest their eyes upon our lord.

Also, we are now accepting applications for interns.

– O. Justice

Next Time: The Long Trek


Who is the Holmes Hall RA? – The Beginnings

It was a rainy night, with a heavy fog obscuring the towering scoreboards of Spartan Stadium. As I walked down the sidewalk adjoined to Shaw Lane, I popped the collar of my bright purple winter coat which I had found once outside of a closing Sears. Sears, do you remember that place? Man, that place had good deals and quality products. Regardless, it had been a long day. But I was not planning to engage in my usual ‘bad day’ routine of drowning myself in five shots of Bailey’s and old reruns of CSI Miami. No, this was different. Instead, I continued forward with confidence, my mind captured by a single question. Never before had I obsessed over such a thing in my life. Every waking moment, I pondered this question, approaching it in different ways, sometimes writing it down in my chocolate milk stained, single page Question List which I’ve held since my grandfather’s mysterious disappearance off the coast of Prussia. And now I will ask you this question, and, hopefully, you will understand…please, understand. Who is the Holmes Hall RA?

This question first arrived while I was sitting in my dorm room one Friday morning. My stomach was still turning from the previous night’s activities, which I could only vaguely remember. Suddenly, my door flew open to reveal a gasping L. Squirrel, with his Macbook Pro clutched to his chest. Before I was able to ask what the hell he thought he was doing, he thrusted his device into my hands without saying a word. I looked down at the screen to see the beautiful, manicured homepage of The Morning Watch, the independent conservative media outlet of MSU. Welcoming me with the sweet, farm-like smell of objective, conservative reporting, I saw the cursor was hovering above an article which was published but four minutes prior. My heart began to race, delighted at the chance to read another pièce de résistance of journalism.

Excellent as always, the article concerned the leftist propaganda tool of cultural appropriation. Going into detail on how the Libs are attempting to take away my homemade Pancho Villa cosplay in the name of “cultural appropriation,” it clearly presented the newest ways the Clinton and Carter stooges are attempting to stifle our free speech. Towards the end of the article, however, I noticed a quote attributed to a familiar name, the Holmes Hall RA. I went back to the home page and clicked on another article–once again, the unknown Holmes Hall RA was quoted.

Quickly, I began to question who this insightful individual, this mysterious friend was. They were obviously a person of academic prowess, due to their thoughtful evaluation of the topics. Why, then, were they kept anonymous? How could such a prophet of conservatism not be shown to the public so they can speak the Truth to the masses. This person was deserving of the highest honor which can be bestowed upon a college student: personal recognition by a great statesman, such as Interim MSU President John Engler. Yet, an award of this nature cannot be conferred because of their anonymity. This was neither fair nor just.

On that day, I made it my task to find the Holmes RA and give them the recognition which they deserve. Join me on the multi-part journey to seek this Maestro.

– O. Justice

Next time: Where the fuck is Holmes Hall?