Down in the DMs: 2 Sergei 2 Slide

“That DM is the devil, son!”

music video for Yo Gotti’s “Down in the DM”

Longtime readers may remember that back in September, flyers for this blog went up around campus. Our flyer team noticed a Morning Watch poster folded on itself and placed our own flyer over it. This caused Morning Watch editor-in-chief Sergei Kelley to send a four-part DM to a loyal reader, under the impression that they worked for us. We thought that this would surely be the funniest interaction we ever had in the DMs, but we’re proud to announce that we were mistaken.

A few days ago, we checked the Evening Look Facebook page to find this:

Though a shorter DM, this incident demands a full breakdown.

First off, note the time this was sent – Sunday the 20th at 6:20 PM. Sergei is a proud Catholic, as he is happy to point out. What is he doing beefing with a Facebook page on the Sabbath? It’s just after suppertime on the Lord’s day! This man went to Mass in the morning to learn about God’s infinite love and goodness and then sent supervillain shit in the DM to an account with 10 likes. This does not sound like the behavior of someone pursuing Jesus, but as heathens we are not qualified to evaluate that.

It was also the day before Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a holiday when we get together and ponder tolerance, civil rights, and whether MLK would have agreed with our particular political persuasion. After all, what use is he if he doesn’t align perfectly with our beliefs? This DM certainly falls short of the spirit of Rev. King. But it was not his day yet, so let’s give Sergei a pass here.

We must also explore the trigger for this verbal assault on our journalistic integrity. Given that most of the DM is dedicated to talking about the Holmes Hall RA, we can assume that Sergei has discovered our long-running series on finding this mythical man who serves as a vital source for Morning Watch pieces. 

Sergei asserts that the Holmes Hall RA is real. But The Evening Look has published three separate pieces from our field reporter O. Justice dedicated to the fact that we cannot figure out where Holmes Hall is, much less discover the man of infinite Ohio-born wisdom who lives there. Sergei’s DM has failed to give us any more information on the location of Holmes Hall, whose alien geometries have eluded us despite multi-week drug benders and potato-based ritual sacrifices. How can he so confidently assert that Holmes Hall is not only real but houses one of his most dependable contacts? The mystery will continue until someone can give us directions there.

Sergei also made sure to call us “fake news” for some reason. Despite his obsession with our small WordPress blog, he clearly has not engaged with the pieces. We have never posted news. We don’t do journalism. We do shitposting criticism. We have facts in most of our articles, but The Evening Look has never purported to possess a scrap of journalistic ability. We literally cannot be “fake news”. We’re just a bunch of idiots with a platform. This is a lazy, Z-tier Trump tweet level of intimidation.

Finally, Sergei asked us to stop being “cowards” and put our “real names” on our pieces. I don’t know if it has to do with Sergei’s deeply religious upbringing in Northern Michigan, but we DO use our real names! Why would we list our names if not to let our loyal readers know who we are? O. Justice is 100% a real name. Perhaps Sergei takes offense at us not providing our true names received at Confirmation. If so, he will see that our floundering rap careers provide little need for a name change.

To quote NASA legend and personal role model Buzz Lightyear, Sergei is acting like a “sad, strange little man”. Does he not know that we are eternally ‘taking the piss’, as our friends across the pond who have nationalized health insurance say? I honestly become elated anytime he drops into our DMs because it will always serve to remind me that he still doesn’t know how to deal with critics and gives me hope that this deficiency will stunt his professional political growth in the future. Sergei is simply not fit to survive in the postmodern arena of the internet. The only grand narrative being written right now is the tragedy of Sergei’s DMs that paint the picture of a boomer trapped in a zoomer’s body.

We’d like to thank Sergei for once again proving himself to be an absolute weirdo. That DM is the devil, and it seems no amount of rosaries can save him from the temptation. If you will excuse us, we need to celebrate the Sabbath the right way this weekend: by watching large men run into each other in the pursuit of Rocky Lombardi’s trophy.

-The Evening Look Staff

Down in the DMs: The Sergei Slide

Hello, devoted readers of The Evening Look.  I too, am a reader like yourself–you will notice quickly that I do not have the sharp wit of B. Bunny or the sarcastic introspection of O. Justice.  But I do have a story, one that I think will be of interest to you all.  

I’ve been following the content of The Evening Look almost since its conception.  The Evening Look is an apparent antithesis to campus conservative publication, that, like Batman, is not the hero we deserve but the one we need right now.  But for a long time, things seemed pretty underground, with me and scarcely a few others liking tweets and leaving comments. They’d gotten The Morning Watch’s attention though, which I guess is what matters.  “It’s what you practice in private that you will be rewarded for,” blah blah blah.  

Still, I was pleased to see some quality flyers posted all over campus with that familiar lighthouse image this past week.  Boasting superior content for superior beings, it was clear that the anonymous creators of The Evening Look felt–rightly so–that they should expand their readership.  And it seemed to work! Strangers started liking and retweeting articles, or even better yet, standing up to The Morning Watch instead.  I imagine our masked heroes were very proud of themselves, as was I.  

Part of the beautiful nonchalance of The Evening Look is that all articles (thus far) have been anonymously published.  The Morning Watch takes great care in clearly stating the source of every massive pile of shit that they release to the innocent eyes of the internet, but here, where every article is an utter joy to read, the geniuses behind the screen are hidden.  Anonymity also opens the door to laypersons like myself to be able to contribute freely without subjecting ourselves to the mortifying ordeal of being known. Which is nice.  

So imagine my surprise when Sergei Kelley, HBIC over at The Morning Watch, slid into my Twitter DMs one afternoon under the assumption that I worked for The Evening Look.  He had some complaints regarding placements of flyers (anyone will tell you that directly on top of The Morning Watch’s flyer is Prime Real Estate).  Rather than going straight to @LookEvening, he decided to subject a mere observer to what I would assess to be a more eloquent version of a temper tantrum.  

I wonder if Sergei always converses with people like he’s addressing a professor.  And not even like a chill professor that lets you talk without raising your hand–no, this is the professor whose attendance policy is “late=absent”.  Let me remind you of the context of this conversation: Saturday night in a college student’s Twitter DMs. And Sergei’s message starts “Hello [my first name] [my last initial],”.  He threw in an initial!  In my DMs!  He then proceeded, in MLA format, to essentially tattle on The Evening Look to a person with absolutely zero authority.  He even attached photo evidence of the flyer placement, as if I, who he presupposed to be the perpetrator, would not be aware of where I put flyers.  I don’t know whether to be flattered that he thinks I could be one of the masterminds behind The Evening Look, or offended that he clearly thinks I’m a dumbass.  

I politely replied to ‘Mr. Kelley’ that he must be confused, for I have no affiliation with the publication.  I wished him the best of luck with his flyers. And I am sure the utter humiliation of being wrong is the reason he has left me on ‘read’.  I mean, nobody knows the editors’ identities. He must have been so, so confident that I was involved in some way, simply certain that he’d cracked the code, that his investigative journalism instincts would finally prove themselves.  But once again, the mind behind the stellar content from The Morning Watch is sorely misguided.  

Thank you all for reading my story, and to the editors of The Evening Look for all that they do to maintain civil discourse on this campus.  To the rest of the staff over at The Morning Watch: your man is already in my DMs, and the truth hurts.  Better luck next time. 

Sincerely, 

A Dedicated Looker