In an abrupt emergency meeting called in the wake of the current unprecedented assault of our country’s peaceful transfer of power, a faction of conservative students in Michigan State University’s James Madison College voted to remove “Constitutional Democracy” from the name of the Political Theory and Constitutional Democracy major in the residential college.
“It’s honestly been a long time coming,” said one member close to the decision making process of the group, expressing little concern over the events that unfolded in Washington D.C. on Jan. 6 of this year.
“He has every right not to leave. We voted him in because he was a rule-breaker and we’re liking what we’re seeing.”
When asked about the reason behind the vote, the group cited major concerns over alleged voter fraud in the 2020 presidential election, but declined to comment when pressed to present credible evidence beyond what they cited from various 4chan accounts.
“Millions of legal ballots thrown out in states Trump won, and so many more fake ones where he’s losing,” said another member, Colby Creamer. “It all makes so much sense.”
They also described real distress over the possibility of a complete vote count.
“We were very much in favor of armed poll watchers in cities. I mean, all we’re trying to do is go back to our party’s roots,” said treasurer Shackleford Edgerton.
At around 10 p.m. the night of the election, the group decided to organize outside the MSU Union to protest the results. Maskless, early in the night, JMC conservatives could be heard chanting, “Count All Votes! Count All Votes!” and waving signs.
But by early morning when it seemed more absentee ballots were being counted and Trump was losing hold of his lead in key states, the group quickly grabbed some sharpies and changed their tune. By 8 a.m., they could be seen adamantly yelling, “Stop the count!” with much more anger and much less excitement in their eyes.
The group mirrored similar sentiments during Trump’s quid pro quo with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky, which eventually led to his impeachment. When asked about the president withholding $400 million of congressionally mandated foreign aid for investigations into fraudulent conspiracies involving his would-be predecessor President-elect Joe Biden, the chairman of the group, Bill DaWall III, said,“The executive has absolute authority to dictate foreign policy as he sees it, and if that includes soliciting foreign interference into our ‘free and fair elections’ (air quotes his own), so be it.”
When asked about the term “bribery” stated in the impeachment clause of the Constitution, the group said they were unfamiliar.
In fact, the group has also decided to remove the framed copy of the Constitution in their office, saying in an official statement, “The radical left constantly accuses our group of lacking progressivism, and we thought this was a step in the right direction.”
Additionally, they reversed their opposition to changing James Madison College’s name, claiming Madison, one of the document’s founding authors, has “gone out of style.”
Instead, they recommended a number of replacements they felt better represent their views, including George Wallace, Pat Buchanan, the people who run “Liberty Hangout” on Twitter, and the guy who stole the Speaker of the House’s lectern.
Following the violent mob which broke in and ransacked the Capitol after inciting remarks by their party’s leaders, the conservatives cited frustration over dissimilar responses by Democrats during the uprisings against police brutality and systemic racism which took place over the summer. “It’s incredible how leftists can say nothing when Antifa starts a fire in a J. Crew outlet store, but everyone is up in arms at a little insurrection,” said member Horst Gilroy.
Some historians noted the events on Jan. 6 marked the first time the nation’s Capitol had been breached since 1814 by the British Army. “We are the history makers, baby!” said one rioter, who was later identified as Anthony Biglione, a member of the Broad College of Business and a frequent evangelist for The Joe Rogan Experience. He then took a selfie to commemorate the felony he had just committed.
Wherever the group decides to go from here, their message was clear: they want to take America back to a different era.
“We’re talking 1930s, 40s, and 50s is where we think the sweet spot is,” said member Aurora Speederton. ”Who knows what ramifications can come from allowing people to participate in our democracy who don’t hold our values, let alone our strong support for a healthy and thriving ruling class?”
-D. Lightful
Click here and give us a follow on Twitter for more news, opinion, and satire!
The Evening Look 