One Confirmed Case of Stupidity

The COVID-19 pandemic has turned East Lansing into a ghost town. The Grand River strip is dotted with restaurants that no longer have bustling dining areas. People have retreated indoors to self-quarantine, shutting down most club activities. Even MSU’s museum has closed, depriving students of hours of fun on mandatory class field trips. What is left in a college town with no college?

Unfortunately, much like the coronavirus, our friends at The Morning Watch have proven highly resilient. They have chosen to continue to chase new lows for horrific campus takes. Their latest, “A Symptom of Coronavirus: Less Leftist Bias,” may be the worst one yet.

Penned by the big boss himself, Sergei Kelley, the article finds him in a unique situation. One of The Morning Watch’s goals is to “expose leftist bias” on campus, a questionable endeavor already but near-impossible when the RA boards are unused and campus events are shut down. Now that there is no leftist bias to expose on campus, where do they go from here? It’s not easy to sneak into the Zoom lectures for a sociology class in the hopes that you might record a prof suggesting that privilege is a real phenomenon.

The answer — the coronavirus is actually good.

Kelley hedges this claim at the start of this article by saying, “This is not to trivialize our situation, but a blunt description of a consequence.” I have no idea why he would do this if he wants to work in conservative media, where the default response to claims of offensiveness is to claim victory on the basis of hurting your opponent’s feelings. But make no mistake — Kelley has deep respect for the coronavirus. It has done what he and his publication never could: stop left-wing events on campus. 

One of the only things that hasn’t been straight up cancelled is a BLEXIT event with Candace Owens sponsored by MSU’s Turning Point USA chapter. This was merely postponed from April 7 to April 30, which seems inadequate as projections of the pandemic’s course suggest that normal life may not resume until June or July. However, given that Turning Point can’t get 50 people to an event, the event will definitely be CDC-compliant, so maybe they felt they could risk it. (Update: shortly after publication, MSU Turning Point canceled the event.)

There is no way to read this and not think it is trivializing the issue. This article absolutely salivates over the possibility that a deadly pandemic will stop Michigan State from putting up posters about not wearing blackface for Halloween. Your loved ones dying of severe, painful flu will be worth it if we don’t have to take a bias workshop so the university can pretend it tried to stop racist incidents on campus!

This could be excusable as an awful joke if this was simply placed in The Morning Watch’s satire section. But after our B. Bunny ethered their satire section back in January, their satire writer has disappeared. Perhaps they are too scared to place this trash opinion in the “just a joke” section and instead are forced to acknowledge that their honest-to-God opinion is that the coronavirus is good.

If you want a more serious response to coronavirus from the Watch, you have to go all the way to their Twitter page. In an attempt to look like an actual news site, they put out a press release on Twitter stating that they will be cancelling in-person meetings and telling readers to wash their hands and practice social distancing. The release also said they would be “focusing on exposing other avenues of leftist bias.” I suspect that will mean watching MSNBC on repeat and getting mad all the time instead of being cool and watching classic college basketball reruns on ESPN2.

Actually though, what other avenues are there to expose? The Morning Watch is a campus site. It’s not built to talk about national issues. At The Evening Look we pride ourselves on being able to talk about that sort of thing when campus events are slow, but they rarely talk about anything more consequential than ASMSU votes. 

There is one avenue left for leftist bias left in the Watch’s purview: us. If the RA boards, bias workshops, and non-threatening liberal speakers are all taken away, the only thing this virus can’t kill on campus is our website. We will be stepping up our game in these last couple months of spring semester to fill the void of leftist bias left behind by the pandemic. Expect ASMSU endorsements, analysis of this ghost town, and more responses to whatever trash comes out of The Morning Watch’s keyboards.

We look forward to being your source for MSU’s leftist bias in these dark days.

-K. Sins

Down in the DMs: 2 Sergei 2 Slide

“That DM is the devil, son!”

music video for Yo Gotti’s “Down in the DM”

Longtime readers may remember that back in September, flyers for this blog went up around campus. Our flyer team noticed a Morning Watch poster folded on itself and placed our own flyer over it. This caused Morning Watch editor-in-chief Sergei Kelley to send a four-part DM to a loyal reader, under the impression that they worked for us. We thought that this would surely be the funniest interaction we ever had in the DMs, but we’re proud to announce that we were mistaken.

A few days ago, we checked the Evening Look Facebook page to find this:

Though a shorter DM, this incident demands a full breakdown.

First off, note the time this was sent – Sunday the 20th at 6:20 PM. Sergei is a proud Catholic, as he is happy to point out. What is he doing beefing with a Facebook page on the Sabbath? It’s just after suppertime on the Lord’s day! This man went to Mass in the morning to learn about God’s infinite love and goodness and then sent supervillain shit in the DM to an account with 10 likes. This does not sound like the behavior of someone pursuing Jesus, but as heathens we are not qualified to evaluate that.

It was also the day before Martin Luther King Jr. Day, a holiday when we get together and ponder tolerance, civil rights, and whether MLK would have agreed with our particular political persuasion. After all, what use is he if he doesn’t align perfectly with our beliefs? This DM certainly falls short of the spirit of Rev. King. But it was not his day yet, so let’s give Sergei a pass here.

We must also explore the trigger for this verbal assault on our journalistic integrity. Given that most of the DM is dedicated to talking about the Holmes Hall RA, we can assume that Sergei has discovered our long-running series on finding this mythical man who serves as a vital source for Morning Watch pieces. 

Sergei asserts that the Holmes Hall RA is real. But The Evening Look has published three separate pieces from our field reporter O. Justice dedicated to the fact that we cannot figure out where Holmes Hall is, much less discover the man of infinite Ohio-born wisdom who lives there. Sergei’s DM has failed to give us any more information on the location of Holmes Hall, whose alien geometries have eluded us despite multi-week drug benders and potato-based ritual sacrifices. How can he so confidently assert that Holmes Hall is not only real but houses one of his most dependable contacts? The mystery will continue until someone can give us directions there.

Sergei also made sure to call us “fake news” for some reason. Despite his obsession with our small WordPress blog, he clearly has not engaged with the pieces. We have never posted news. We don’t do journalism. We do shitposting criticism. We have facts in most of our articles, but The Evening Look has never purported to possess a scrap of journalistic ability. We literally cannot be “fake news”. We’re just a bunch of idiots with a platform. This is a lazy, Z-tier Trump tweet level of intimidation.

Finally, Sergei asked us to stop being “cowards” and put our “real names” on our pieces. I don’t know if it has to do with Sergei’s deeply religious upbringing in Northern Michigan, but we DO use our real names! Why would we list our names if not to let our loyal readers know who we are? O. Justice is 100% a real name. Perhaps Sergei takes offense at us not providing our true names received at Confirmation. If so, he will see that our floundering rap careers provide little need for a name change.

To quote NASA legend and personal role model Buzz Lightyear, Sergei is acting like a “sad, strange little man”. Does he not know that we are eternally ‘taking the piss’, as our friends across the pond who have nationalized health insurance say? I honestly become elated anytime he drops into our DMs because it will always serve to remind me that he still doesn’t know how to deal with critics and gives me hope that this deficiency will stunt his professional political growth in the future. Sergei is simply not fit to survive in the postmodern arena of the internet. The only grand narrative being written right now is the tragedy of Sergei’s DMs that paint the picture of a boomer trapped in a zoomer’s body.

We’d like to thank Sergei for once again proving himself to be an absolute weirdo. That DM is the devil, and it seems no amount of rosaries can save him from the temptation. If you will excuse us, we need to celebrate the Sabbath the right way this weekend: by watching large men run into each other in the pursuit of Rocky Lombardi’s trophy.

-The Evening Look Staff

How To Do Investigative Reporting

With recent tea coming from the Morning Watch editorial board comes a set of re-aligned editorial priorities. I had hoped that perhaps this re-shuffle would cause everyone’s favorite College Republicans chairman Sergei Kelley to re-evaluate his blog’s narrative stance and renew his commitment to “objectivity, not subjectivity.” Instead, it appears that Kelley has decided to double down on TMW’s state-of-the-art investigative reporting so as to cover “the basics.”

Wait. Did I say “state-of-the-art investigative reporting”? Indeed I did, for absolutely everything coming out of “the best publication at MSU” can actually be referred to as state-of-the-art. Consider this typical progression of events when the Morning Watch decides to make its presence known at an event: they put out a cry for help not just to their own staff but also to the entire MSU College Republican community (because nowadays TMW is just the propaganda arm of the CRs, which itself is now the propaganda arm of Sergei Kelley). Receiving no response from either group, he then proceeds to show up at whatever event has the potential for a juicy headline that will predictably fail to deliver on the memes such headlines promise. (The Morning Watch’s motto should really be “Objectivity, Not Subjectivity, Except In Our Headlines.”) After collecting enough information to write an article, possibly including a quote to take way out of context during the editing process (if one even exists?), the Morning Watch proceeds to publish it, where it will be sure to die a slow, semi-painful death.

Unfortunately, this tactic only works four, five, or six times before becoming stale, and these events the Morning Watch attempts to make clickbait out of have presented TMW with a bit of a problem: the sources are drying up. Take, for instance, the recent dreaMSU rally advocating for MSU to become a sanctuary school and provide a point of support for undocumented immigrants and immigrants with DACA status. The Morning Watch had an obvious presence at that rally, since Kelley made sure to stand at least 20 feet away from any of the protestors and made a point of filming the entire thing.  I wasn’t surprised to find a somewhat standoffish attitude towards Kelley’s presence at the rally, but you can’t really blame people for finding a lurker… lurker-y.

I’m sincerely wondering why the indomitable chairman of the MSU College Republicans would find himself having to use these conflict avoidance tactics. After all, it’s not like these protestors were particularly hostile to those who did not share their views. Many were simply attending the rally to educate themselves on these issues and their nuances. As a matter of fact,  I learned from dialogue with some of the leaders of dreaMSU that it is racism, and not border security, that the organization is opposed to, which could have given the Morning Watch an opportunity to find some common ground! (Unless the Morning Watch really is an organization of closet racists… but that’s none of my business.) But anyway, how is the Morning Watch supposed to arrive at these conclusions if they aren’t even willing to give talking with those they disagree with the old college try?

At the Evening Look, we pride ourselves on having headlines that actually deliver on what they say they’re going to, so in conclusion, this is how to do actual investigative reporting:

  • Don’t be an ass.
  • Show up.
  • Keep an open mind. Hell, you might actually learn something!

CORRECTION: Another crucial difference between the Morning Watch and the Evening Look is that we very clearly admit when we were wrong about something. Don’t get us wrong. We may gaslight you. Actually most of our work is gaslighting. But unlike at TMW, we only gaslight with the truth. It was inaccurate to claim that Sergei was unable to gain any useful information from the recent dreaMSU rally. He just gained the wrong information, writing that Prof. Andaluna Borcila was the Madison professor that spoke at the rally. This was just factually false. Prof. Anna Pegler-Gordon was the one to speak at the rally, and when a friend of mine corrected Kelley on this point, he corrected the article, but only after waiting 24 hours and not actually issuing a correction like this one.

-R. Duck

Down in the DMs: The Sergei Slide

Hello, devoted readers of The Evening Look.  I too, am a reader like yourself–you will notice quickly that I do not have the sharp wit of B. Bunny or the sarcastic introspection of O. Justice.  But I do have a story, one that I think will be of interest to you all.  

I’ve been following the content of The Evening Look almost since its conception.  The Evening Look is an apparent antithesis to campus conservative publication, that, like Batman, is not the hero we deserve but the one we need right now.  But for a long time, things seemed pretty underground, with me and scarcely a few others liking tweets and leaving comments. They’d gotten The Morning Watch’s attention though, which I guess is what matters.  “It’s what you practice in private that you will be rewarded for,” blah blah blah.  

Still, I was pleased to see some quality flyers posted all over campus with that familiar lighthouse image this past week.  Boasting superior content for superior beings, it was clear that the anonymous creators of The Evening Look felt–rightly so–that they should expand their readership.  And it seemed to work! Strangers started liking and retweeting articles, or even better yet, standing up to The Morning Watch instead.  I imagine our masked heroes were very proud of themselves, as was I.  

Part of the beautiful nonchalance of The Evening Look is that all articles (thus far) have been anonymously published.  The Morning Watch takes great care in clearly stating the source of every massive pile of shit that they release to the innocent eyes of the internet, but here, where every article is an utter joy to read, the geniuses behind the screen are hidden.  Anonymity also opens the door to laypersons like myself to be able to contribute freely without subjecting ourselves to the mortifying ordeal of being known. Which is nice.  

So imagine my surprise when Sergei Kelley, HBIC over at The Morning Watch, slid into my Twitter DMs one afternoon under the assumption that I worked for The Evening Look.  He had some complaints regarding placements of flyers (anyone will tell you that directly on top of The Morning Watch’s flyer is Prime Real Estate).  Rather than going straight to @LookEvening, he decided to subject a mere observer to what I would assess to be a more eloquent version of a temper tantrum.  

I wonder if Sergei always converses with people like he’s addressing a professor.  And not even like a chill professor that lets you talk without raising your hand–no, this is the professor whose attendance policy is “late=absent”.  Let me remind you of the context of this conversation: Saturday night in a college student’s Twitter DMs. And Sergei’s message starts “Hello [my first name] [my last initial],”.  He threw in an initial!  In my DMs!  He then proceeded, in MLA format, to essentially tattle on The Evening Look to a person with absolutely zero authority.  He even attached photo evidence of the flyer placement, as if I, who he presupposed to be the perpetrator, would not be aware of where I put flyers.  I don’t know whether to be flattered that he thinks I could be one of the masterminds behind The Evening Look, or offended that he clearly thinks I’m a dumbass.  

I politely replied to ‘Mr. Kelley’ that he must be confused, for I have no affiliation with the publication.  I wished him the best of luck with his flyers. And I am sure the utter humiliation of being wrong is the reason he has left me on ‘read’.  I mean, nobody knows the editors’ identities. He must have been so, so confident that I was involved in some way, simply certain that he’d cracked the code, that his investigative journalism instincts would finally prove themselves.  But once again, the mind behind the stellar content from The Morning Watch is sorely misguided.  

Thank you all for reading my story, and to the editors of The Evening Look for all that they do to maintain civil discourse on this campus.  To the rest of the staff over at The Morning Watch: your man is already in my DMs, and the truth hurts.  Better luck next time. 

Sincerely, 

A Dedicated Looker

Take “The Watchdog” Out Back

My new favorite output from The Morning Watch is “The Watchdog,” a bizarre new series focused on going to minority-themed events and asking stupid questions. Host Sergei Kelley has released two episodes, each of which fits squarely in The Morning Watch’s confusing canon.

The first episode sees Kelley traveling to a February 2 “Black Empowerment Festival” held by the Black Student Alliance and the African-American Student Mentorship Program. As the episode’s description puts it, “The new series ‘The Watchdog,’ asked multiple attendees of the event multiple questions,” proving that Kelley and Co. understand the basic idea of interviews but fail to grasp how a goddamn comma works. Those multiple questions elicited “mixed opinions,” according to Kelley; “one interviewee thought that the current presidential administration was a benefit to black empowerment,” he writes.

Here’s what that attendee actually said:

“Yes. Because I think—because this is such a polarizing time, and at this moment you can really see how people think. And people are being very bold and truly expressing how they feel. And as soon as we can get everyone being honest about how they feel, whether their views are ‘problematic,’ or whether they’re radical, we can, like, finally address the problems that are there for what they are.”

At least we know who the racists are, in essence. That’s a nuanced take. But it’s a far cry from simply portraying the attendee as thinking Trump is a boon to black empowerment, and it’s not fair to say that the opinions at the event were therefore mixed. If that opinion was the closest one to a “yes” that Kelley could get, that should tell him a good deal about the relationship between the African-American community and the President’s base.

The Watchdog followed up this ham-fisted attempt at hard-hitting journalism with a second episode, this time turning Kelley’s watchful eye toward the North American Indigenous Student Organization’s February 23 Native American Pow-wow. Worry not, Kelley is quick to assure us that “attendees of the event were asked multiple questions.” So that’s good.

This awkward minute-and-a-half features Kelley asking three white people and one Native American what “some of the problems are facing the indigenous community today.” The first three say they aren’t sure, and the indigenous man gives a thought-provoking answer about the isolation of indigenous communities in the North. Is it possible that the one of the problems facing the indigenous community is widespread ignorance by white people? Uh, yeah, probably. You know what doesn’t remotely solve that? Asking three white people that question at a Native American Pow-wow! Way to squander an actual opportunity for education.

Speaking of a need for education, Kelley asks a young man to define “Native American,” to which the interviewee apparently responds, “I don’t know what that is.” Bullshit. I refuse to believe that this kid has just never heard of Native Americans. But assuming for a second that the clip isn’t selectively and deceptively edited, The Watchdog/The Morning Watch has a journalistic responsibility to release the full clip of Kelley’s interview with that person. If you’re going to make him look like a dumbass—which you did—then you better do it fairly.

Having stomached exactly as much of this series as I could take, I was relieved to find there were no more episodes to watch. But I fear there will be more. So I am calling on MSU’s conservative voice to better itself. The Morning Watch should either improve the quality of The Watchdog (and replace its shitty PowerPoint logo) or else give this fucker the “Old Yeller” treatment.

– N. Credulous (Guest Contributor)