The Clash of Civilizations

Recently, I got back from a tedious session of discussion about left-wing philosophy at the library to find a flyer slipped under my door. In fact, the flyer was slipped under the doors of everyone on my floor. After picking it up, my eyes popped out of my head and onto the floor, as the event advertised that national college conservative group Turning Point USA’s “Campus Clash” tour comes to MSU today. You might remember TPUSA as a group that once dressed up as babies to protest “safe spaces”, or for producing the oft-mocked “gun girl” Kaitlin Bennett.  Founder Charlie Kirk and Candace Owens are the headliners, with intellectual heavyweights like Tuscon cop Brandon Tatum, YouTube commentator Dave Rubin, America’s greatest failson Donald Trump Jr., and his girlfriend Kimberly Guilfoyle relegated to special guest status. This promises to be the greatest act of lib-owning this campus has ever seen.

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GAMERS RISE UP

A while ago, I was engaged in a familiar morning ritual – drowning in a mixed-gender harem of proletariat nymphomaniacs, then grabbing a cup of delicious cafeteria coffee and checking The Morning Watch for content. To my surprise, I found a new opinion piece written by one Joseph Gendron entitled “An Open Letter to the New Religion of Intersectionality”. With this piece, Gendron has filled an important need for The Morning Watch – a true manifesto. While there is a mission statement on their website, it reads like ad copy, and as we’ve tried to show through our first set of articles, the pursuit of truth tends to elude them. I feel that this article is a truer expression of the mind of the young conservative found at The Morning Watch. This is conservatism for the TikTok Age, an expression of a group victimized by a huge leftist mob despite everyone around them being conservative.  

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Climate Change Deniers are Munted

Munted:

(1) adj. refers to the property of an object (or person) as broken, ruined, significantly damaged, disfigured or deformed, often to the extent that it is not reversible or repairable.

(2) adj. an extreme state of intoxication by way of drugs or alcohol such that the subject’s ability to perform basic tasks such as walking and talking are significantly impaired.

Source: Urban Dictionary

Have you ever met someone so munted they adamantly deny the earth’s climate is changing? They tend to justify this with arguments such as:

  • Winter still exists
  • New York isn’t underwater, so it can’t be happening
  • Even if it were, only yuppie-liberal “intellectuals” would die so it’s not that bad
  • Sun cycles

Or possibly:

  • The earth is only 5000 years old, so your “science” is bullshit

If these arguments grind your gears as much as mine, then prepare to lube up.

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Take “The Watchdog” Out Back

My new favorite output from The Morning Watch is “The Watchdog,” a bizarre new series focused on going to minority-themed events and asking stupid questions. Host Sergei Kelley has released two episodes, each of which fits squarely in The Morning Watch’s confusing canon.

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Understanding Absolutely Nothing

Recently, The Morning Watch published “MSU Class: Understanding Patriarchy Assigned, Syllabus Says, “Keep an Open Mind” About Incest”.

I will keep my thoughts brief. Such a piece is deserving of no response – but the very nature of internet communication and incentives in academia necessitates it.

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Saving Sergei Kelley

On Valentine’s Day ninety years ago, love filled the windy Chicago air as Al Capone and a number of his compadres allegedly gunned down seven members of a rival gang. History, as it is wont to do, attempted to repeat itself last night at the bi-weekly meeting of the General Assembly of the Associated Students of Michigan State University (ASMSU). There the day’s aura of human connection was shattered by the brutal reality of politics. A bill calling for the removal of College of Agriculture and Natural Resources representative and The Morning Watch Executive Editor Sergei Kelley was proposed and a vote to have said bill bypass the usual committee procedures quickly succeeded. The next couple of hours were equally tense and boring, as the organization slowly waded through its bureaucratic and procedural necessities while representative Kelley sat patiently waiting for the debate and vote that would determine his fate. When the debate reared its head, it did so with extreme passion, as copious amounts of frustration and anger bubbled to surface of this oft placid environment. By the end of the discussion, however, the outcome was clear: Sergei Kelley would live to see another day as a representative of ASMSU. And so he did, as a number of other representatives stormed out of the assembly in various states of sorrow and bewilderment. This is the story of how Kelley found himself on the brink of disaster, and why he still woke up today as a member of ASMSU.

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Who is the Holmes Hall RA? (2) – Where the fuck is Holmes Hall?

Finally sobering up after my third encounter with the “Kavanaugh Special” (a 24 pack of Natty Light-Tylenol combo), I began my pilgrimage to Holmes Hall. Unfortunately, however, I did not know where the fuck Holmes Hall was actually located. Is it in South Neighborhood? North? Somewhere in the hell hole which is River Trail? Before I learned that my prophète malgré lu graced its cramped halls, I had thought that it was the gulag where MSU abandoned its freshman-but-sophomore-by-credit academics and the no preference majors who thought they were going to Grand Valley. No, now it was my Mecca and I intend to pray before my god.

Continue reading Who is the Holmes Hall RA? (2) – Where the fuck is Holmes Hall?

Do Students Bully “Morning Watch” Contributors? An Investigation

Bullying on campus at MSU is an issue our administration takes seriously. The university’s anti-discrimination policy lists 14 protected classes, including race, age, gender, veteran status, and height. But a recent trawl through The Morning Watch archives led us at The Evening Look to an article that makes the case for a fifteenth class: students who write for The Morning Watch. Written by an anonymous contributor, the article is called “An Open Letter to Those Who Think MSU Students Can Do Better”. In it, we see ways in which The Morning Watch contributors are harassed on campus. With such a serious proposed change in university policy, we must take a careful look at the article to see if the case holds up.

Continue reading Do Students Bully “Morning Watch” Contributors? An Investigation

Who is the Holmes Hall RA? – The Beginnings

It was a rainy night, with a heavy fog obscuring the towering scoreboards of Spartan Stadium. As I walked down the sidewalk adjoined to Shaw Lane, I popped the collar of my bright purple winter coat which I had found once outside of a closing Sears. Sears, do you remember that place? Man, that place had good deals and quality products. Regardless, it had been a long day. But I was not planning to engage in my usual ‘bad day’ routine of drowning myself in five shots of Bailey’s and old reruns of CSI Miami. No, this was different. Instead, I continued forward with confidence, my mind captured by a single question. Never before had I obsessed over such a thing in my life. Every waking moment, I pondered this question, approaching it in different ways, sometimes writing it down in my chocolate milk stained, single page Question List which I’ve held since my grandfather’s mysterious disappearance off the coast of Prussia. And now I will ask you this question, and, hopefully, you will understand…please, understand. Who is the Holmes Hall RA?

This question first arrived while I was sitting in my dorm room one Friday morning. My stomach was still turning from the previous night’s activities, which I could only vaguely remember. Suddenly, my door flew open to reveal a gasping L. Squirrel, with his Macbook Pro clutched to his chest. Before I was able to ask what the hell he thought he was doing, he thrusted his device into my hands without saying a word. I looked down at the screen to see the beautiful, manicured homepage of The Morning Watch, the independent conservative media outlet of MSU. Welcoming me with the sweet, farm-like smell of objective, conservative reporting, I saw the cursor was hovering above an article which was published but four minutes prior. My heart began to race, delighted at the chance to read another pièce de résistance of journalism.

Excellent as always, the article concerned the leftist propaganda tool of cultural appropriation. Going into detail on how the Libs are attempting to take away my homemade Pancho Villa cosplay in the name of “cultural appropriation,” it clearly presented the newest ways the Clinton and Carter stooges are attempting to stifle our free speech. Towards the end of the article, however, I noticed a quote attributed to a familiar name, the Holmes Hall RA. I went back to the home page and clicked on another article–once again, the unknown Holmes Hall RA was quoted.

Quickly, I began to question who this insightful individual, this mysterious friend was. They were obviously a person of academic prowess, due to their thoughtful evaluation of the topics. Why, then, were they kept anonymous? How could such a prophet of conservatism not be shown to the public so they can speak the Truth to the masses. This person was deserving of the highest honor which can be bestowed upon a college student: personal recognition by a great statesman, such as Interim MSU President John Engler. Yet, an award of this nature cannot be conferred because of their anonymity. This was neither fair nor just.

On that day, I made it my task to find the Holmes RA and give them the recognition which they deserve. Join me on the multi-part journey to seek this Maestro.

– O. Justice

Next time: Where the fuck is Holmes Hall?

Pissed Off Who?

In their most recent attempt at groundbreaking journalism, The Morning Watch published “Pissed Off MSU: Michigan State’s Newest Student Organization”. This stellar piece of reporting immediately contradicts its title by revealing that the main subject of the article—Pissed Off MSU (POM)—is actually almost a year old. It’s certainly possible that no new student organizations have been established since early March, but it’s also possible that Hillary will run in 2020. Neither seems likely or good for humanity in general, so I’m perfectly willing to dismiss them out of hand.

In truth, this article appears deeply untimely and unnecessary, with the sole purpose of exaggerating the presence and influence of violent leftist opposition to conservative outlets like The Morning Watch. A quick search of the MSU Student Organizations website will yield results for no such organization, meaning that POM is not even a recognized student organization. It has neither an official constitution nor the formal faculty sponsor required of university-approved organizations. A brief scan of their Facebook page reveals that they have posted nothing since November 17th and have no upcoming events. Doing the same for their website (hosted on the web’s premier content manager #notsponsored) shows even less activity, as they have posed only two articles with the most recent coming more than six months ago on June 19th.

The article’s summary of the organization and its mission would appear offensive to even a two-year old child. I found the misuse of ‘exemplifies’ particularly egregious but would be remiss to not point out this gem: “The group hopes their booklet solves what they believe is ignorance by highlighting the resistance and uprisings that have existed on MSU’s campus since 1855”. Not only is the clunky wording of this sentence unbefitting of basic picture books, it entirely mischaracterizes the group’s beliefs and purpose. POM is fighting against a specific subset of people and actions, not ignorance. The timeline shows the historical value of student protest to motivate potential recruits, not eliminate potential ignorance.

Beyond superficial critiques, it’s worth looking at the parts that delve into the land of opinion. Mr. Binkowski accomplishes this through the strategic use of external sources who can voice the beliefs of The Morning Watch behind a veil of simple, unbiased reporting. The mysterious Holmes Hall RA appears once again, and gives the scorching take that “as a society we’ve reached a peak of social equality”. I don’t know where to begin with such a statement other than audible laughter which is unfortunately impossible to transmit adequately through text. It’s not truly worth responding to, but in a world where one cannot turn a corner without being justifiably reminded about inequality by a different “ism” such an idea is entirely indefensible. If we want to actually reach peak social equality, the police are going to have to start shooting a lot more unarmed white folks.

Despite what Mr. Binkowski would have you believe, Pissed Off MSU is not a threat to conservatives on campus. If the group poses a serious threat to anything, it’s the financial well-being of the family members responsible for funding its slow and arduous journey through the death process of the American healthcare system. But this reflects more on the failures of healthcare in the United States than on the ability of POM to accomplish anything more than getting pissed off. The editors of The Evening Look, on the other hand, are very much not pissed off. We are enjoying our snow days and extremely grateful for the opportunity to publicly shame stupidity, in whatever form it may take.

– L. Squirrel