Sitting in my apartment during this pandemic has caused me to master a shameful lifestyle: watching hours of Netflix with an ever-refilling glass of rosé in hand and Keebler Elfwiches in my fabulous tummy.
Being someone who proudly identifies as “a little gay,” I found myself endlessly consuming one of my favorite shows: Queer Eye.
After this spring’s “Too Hot to Handle” craze, I found myself desiring something more sophisticated and far less straight. Although I spent plenty of time obsessing over Harry and Francesca’s delightfully high-cost dalliance, I found the show had too little actual sex appeal and too many British airheads. Queer Eye is a show dedicated to introducing schlubs to positive lifestyle changes which are acceptable by the standards of the bourgeoisie.
…So perfectly my style.
While binging Queer Eye, I had an epiphany: Conservative culture could really use a makeover. I am gonna give conservatives a good old-fashioned Queer Eye makeover in hopes of making them less cranky, angry, fearful, and racist! Otherwise it might be a little dangerous to introduce them to Karamo.
So here we go, my wonderful Muppets! Time to make Republicans young and old see how much they could improve their own self-worth through a few simple lifestyle changes!
Day One: Teach a Man to Fish
I’m gonna start with my favorite of the Fab Five: Antoni. This is a man who is criminally beautiful. Despite being gay, he is still the one celebrity my girlfriend is allowed to cheat on me with (as long as I can get some too). The man is a model and a chef, so kiss your dry panties and briefs goodbye folks. Unfortunately for fans of Antoni, he tends to get the short end of the stick in each episode by being relegated to simply teaching a plebian how to cook carbonara for like five minutes and then dipping.
Similarly, it can be hard to satirize conservatives for their diet, but I can still make a few generalizations for canned laughs. Republicans’ obsession with red meat (and meat in general) is not heart healthy and tends to result in the opposite of the famously healthy produce-based Mediterranean diet. Perhaps if the young Republicans would lay off the barbeque and Big Macs in favor of a light pasta dish, he too might find some love for the women of the world and begin to treat them right. Perhaps an appreciation for Italian cuisine could end sexist pay gaps and maybe turn a few voters from salty Proud Boys into seasoned Salt Baes.
They need to keep their newly fabulous hands off of my Antoni, though. He’s mine.
Day Two: Sartorial Sins and Tragedies
On to my second favorite member of the Fab Five: Tan France, master of fashion. Fashion is a particular element of conservative culture which I enjoy criticizing, because almost every example is a case study in trying too hard to achieve a certain energy. However, they are never metrosexual enough to actually embrace the principles of fashion and thus end up looking like an absolute buffoon.
This is a pervasive problem at every age. Young conservatives often try too hard to appear old and distinguished by wearing polos or blazers but, when paired with a baby face or poorly groomed goatee, often present the image of an angry Pee-Wee Herman as opposed to suave Bush-era Yalie.
On the other end are old conservatives, who often try too hard to convey an orthodox air of paternal responsibility, but just get bad haircuts and refuse to wear suits and ties that properly fit. Perhaps a sexy Italian cut suit with an athletic silhouette would accent the beer bellies and lack of physical exercise? Maybe a subtle pinstripe could really bring out the fiscal irresponsibility and inability to spend money on anyone other than the upper classes?
Maybe a nice charcoal face mask would emphasize the latent desire to do blackface?
Just some thoughts on how to bring out a more authentic representative of the masses over here…
Day Three: The Queen of Kings
I was really hoping to do a hilarious section on the most iconic Queer Eye cast member: Jonathan Van Ness. Unfortunately, upon realization that most conservatives would probably commit suicide before sitting down for a haircut from Queen JVN, I found it difficult to think of any plausible humorous situations to write about. Admittedly, most people right of center probably need to get a better haircut if they still have any hair to begin with. Please stop pretending Trump has “golden locks” and take some more inspiration from absolute fab style icons like Gretchen Whitmer, Michelle Obama, or high school basketball legend Anthony Fauci.
Jonathan out. Slay.
Day Four: The Golden Rule
Perhaps it is fate that the culture and lifestyle guru of the Fab Five is also a stylish Black guy. How perfectly hilarious it would be to watch a Nebraska Republican sit down for a coffee chat or bowling session with my boy Karamo to receive some common sense and empathy.
Admittedly, culture is one of the elements of conservatism that I can talk about for days, because it just becomes a critique of their politics. Mmmmmm, pure salt. Tasty, like Antoni.
But in all seriousness, the one thing conservative types need to change the most is their culture and attitudes towards themselves and their fellow neighbors. Instead of living in constant anger aimed at minorities and the poor, perhaps take a step back and realize how lucky you are to make enough money to pay taxes in the first place. Understand just how taxes can help finance the development of the civil society in which you live, like by maintaining the roads on which you drive, unless you live in Michigan. Understand that some people are born into different stations than you and that sometimes it is impossible to pull yourself up by the bootstraps if you are drowning in medical debt only compounded by their limited job opportunities.
Then again, Karamo gets like zero budget to work with in the show, so who am I to talk about taxes?
Day Five: East Egg, Meet West Egg
Speaking of budgets, I would like to end on the member of the Fab Five with a Mandingo sized budget: Bobby, the interior design specialist. Billion Dollar Bobby’s renovation budgets are rivaled in size only by recession-level stimulus packages. This man waltzes in at the end of every episode and completely flips the guest’s living space. His budget clearly dwarfs the amount of money it takes Tan to buy them a new wardrobe or for Karamo to go bowling with them. Therefore, members of the GOP will probably hate Bobby in theory because he is not only gay, but a limitless spender as well. With a little charm and sound monetary policy, he’s sure to win them over and teach them to have more than one towel in their house.
In all fairness, I have spent such little time in Republican households that I actually have no idea how neat or messy they are. This is a success in my book, and it is not changing anytime soon so for now I’m just gonna assume that Trump voters aren’t too likely to color coordinate a master bedroom.
So there you have it. I’ve shown how the Fab Five could improve the material and spiritual wellbeing of anyone that still believes it’s possible to “pray the gay away.”
But bad news, conservatives: it is impossible to pray these gays away.
– B. Bunny