In the year of our lord 2015, Mark Dantonio and his Michigan State Spartans had their final truly great season together (2017 was a good year for MSU too, but we’ll get to that later). These Spartans went 11-1 in the regular season, losing only to unranked Nebraska and securing the win against the hated Michigan Wolverines off of some infamous trouble with the snap.
After plowing through the rest of their schedule and defeating Iowa in the Big Ten championship match, the Spartans were ranked no. 3. On December 31st, these Spartans, with the collective momentum of a near-perfect season and the wind at their backs, faced off with the Alabama Crimson Tide in the College Football Playoff.
And they got broken in half, 38-0.
Mark Dantonio had seen enough. After several great seasons with MSU, he had finally put together his magnum opus, and it fell flat.
Now, the brainwashed sheeple on this campus will tell you he retired abruptly in February of this year. But that’s just what the LAMEstream media wants you to think. Here’s what REALLY went down.
Dantonio knew he would never soar higher than a chance at the national championship. He needed to get out of East Lansing before he had to endure another rebuilding year. But as the greatest MSU football coach in our lifetimes, he needed a quiet way out. And to his credit, he stuck around through the 2016 off-season and even their first two games, wins against Furman and Notre Dame.
In their third game against Wisconsin, with 1 second left in the 4th quarter, having been blown out 30-6, Dantonio saw the wheels coming off the Spartan season. He saw the undoing of his legacy in real-time, and he knew that this was his opportunity.
Of course, a ringer was brought in to cover this up, but the on-field evidence is clear. A man who appeared to be Dantonio coached the Spartans up through 2019, but that was a fraud. Mark Dantonio is a winner, but MSU won only one of the remaining nine games of the season in 2016. 2017 appeared to be an exceptional season for Michigan State, but it was nothing more than the last echo of the Dantonio era. In fact, there are many similarities between Dantonio’s disappearance and Paul McCartney’s death in 1966. Both are regarded as nothing more than conspiracy theories, and both had people seamlessly replace them after their disappearance. In both instances, many clues were left behind. The remaining Beatles left clues in their music and album art that their colleague had passed, just like how Mark Dantonio made sure to be on camera the moment he vanished.
Now, we need not worry about Dantonio anymore. He served Michigan State well. He was the winningest head coach in program history and put together several dominant teams in his 13 years with Michigan State. But today is a new day, led by our hero Mel Tucker. I have no doubts that MSU will soar to new heights in the coming years . . . especially with our rivals to the southeast stuck in “kinda good” purgatory under Jim Harbaugh.
Cheers to our Spartans and to an undefeated 2020 season.
-J. Arc
Click here and give us a follow on Twitter for more news, opinion, and satire!
The Evening Look 