On the day of the Iowa Caucus, The Evening Look presents its undisputed supreme ranking of our top eight Democratic primary candidates. This article is of critical importance given our large fanbase in the Hawkeye State. We hope everyone takes the time to vote in whatever manner they choose. Our careful vetting of the candidates and thorough insight into the election will help some of the undecided amongst you find the candidate that is right for you and the country.
#7) Pete Buttigieg
Mayor Pete Buttijudge has emerged from relative obscurity to take the country by storm. The openly gay mayor from the home of the Fighting Irish is one of the most superficially qualified candidates in recent memory. A Harvard and Oxford graduate, Rhodes Scholar and former naval intelligence officer, Bootigeg brings the requisite elitism to the Democratic primary. The only thing he appears to lack is actual experience with national government or specific policies. He appears to be coasting mostly on the power of his gayness, youth, and the hotness of Chasten. While these are important and compelling elements of Beautygay’s campaign, his complete lack of support from the African American community is particularly troubling. He looks poised to perform worse amongst Black voters than George Wallace, and the issues go beyond just being gay.
Outside of his privileged white background, there are serious and credible concerns about Boothguild’s treatment of African Americans during his tenure as South Bend mayor. His handling of the shooting death of a Black man by a South Bend police officer exposed the simmering tensions between the Black community and their mayor, and his response to racial bias in the city’s Police Department left much to be desired. On policy, he mostly echoes his moderate companions in the primary, with his desire to increase defense spending while bringing the troops home representing his most unique position. Booty-G may be the first openly gay man to run for the Democratic nomination, but he is certainly not the first Republican. The most lasting legacy of Bettysledge’s campaign might be proving that homosexuality is not a choice, as he would certainly choose straightness if it was an option. I will leave you with Mayor Pete’s response to the tragic death of Kobe Bryant, which clearly demonstrates why he has failed to gain traction among Black voters and finishes in last place on our list: “There are millions of people, not just in Los Angeles, but around the world right now, mourning because they were inspired by what [Kobe] did on the field, what he meant off the field.”
#6.9) Joe Biden
After a four-year hiatus, the former Vice President is trying his hand at earning the world’s most significant promotion. He spent eight years as the country’s second in command and 36 as a senator, giving him unparalleled experience and national exposure. His campaign has centered on a return to normalcy, when wealthy, respectable, and subtly racist white men dominated the presidency, rather than the radical approaches of other Democratic challengers. Despite his inherent advantages and the widespread appeal of his messages, Biden has managed to squander his lead through a series of memeable moments. The long list includes telling the audience of a national debate to visit Joe 30330, bragging about being endorsed by the only African American senator while on a stage with Kamala Harris, and prescribing record players as the solution to childhood educational gaps. The most spectacular of these gaffes has to be the story of his showdown with CornPop, in which a young Biden armed himself with a 6-foot chain to defend a swimming pool from a Delaware gang leader and his straight-razor wielding cronies. Say what you will about Biden, but the man is not afraid to bring a chain to a knife fight.
You may be wondering why there is no criticism of Biden’s age similar to that leveled against Bernie. This is because while Biden may be a 77-year-old former Vice President, he is also a 46-year-old Black senator from Illinois. His entire campaign appears to revolve around reigniting the energy of his former boss behind the sleepiest man to ever run for President. He retains a significant lead among Black voters, but Biden is clearly trending in the wrong direction. While we may not be high on the CornPop slayer, there is one surefire way to know if he’s the right candidate for you. If you have ever responded to accusations of racism by claiming you voted for Obama, then Biden is your guy.
#6) Amy Klobuchar
All people are detestable, but there are levels to the atrociousness of humanity. Some people, beholden to malice, deem it socially acceptable and morally justifiable to consume salad. There are those among us who embrace a greater level of rancor and decide to consume salad on a plane. And then there exist members of our species with hearts entirely devoured by evil and enmity, members who resolve to ignore the mores and principles which govern human society, members who elect to consume salad on a plane with a comb. Cutting edge reporting from the deeply progressive New York Times revealed that the Minnesota Senator who survived #MeToo falls into the last category. The stories of Klobuchar’s outrageous and abusive behavior are numerous and supported by her extremely high employee turnover rate, but nothing approaches the abuse of humanity encapsulated by the salad story.
This should be enough to dismiss her as a potential candidate, but if you remain unconvinced there is plenty more to discuss. The Midwestern mom fails to present a unique policy perspective. She supports an expansion of Obamacare, raising taxes on the wealthy, banning assault weapons, and campaign finance restrictions. She is also a former prosecutor—an immediate red flag—and her prosecution of one case despite minimal evidence has led to calls from a number of Minnesota civil rights organizations to suspend her campaign. But maybe you recognize that America’s systemic racism inspires every candidate to be tough on crime and are willing to give her a pass on this one. Maybe her tendency to throw objects in frustration is a good thing; nailing Vladimir Putin in the face with a telephone would rank right up there with Bill’s BJ for coolest things to happen in the Oval Office. If the New York Times can ignore their own reporting in endorsing Klobuchar, then you can too. We are less inclined to give her all these benefits of the doubt and have yet to form the intimate connections with our insurance policies she fears destroying, leaving the Minnesota moderate sitting just outside the top five.
#5) Tom Steyer
This brings us to the tartan tie enthusiast and second billionaire running for the nomination of the Good Billionaires party. While Steyer is outspending the field by a wide margin, Bloomberg is buying voters at almost twice his rate. In the immortal East vs. West battle between Biggie and Tupac, the latter was definitely half Biggie’s size. In this much less inspiring battle of the coasts, Steyer is about half as rich as his chief adversary and significantly less interesting. We have yet to witness either candidate release a diss track as potent as “Hit ‘Em Up”, though such an event would be both more engaging and important than the actual primary. Returning to Tom, the man appears willing to try anything to be taken seriously, whether it’s incinerating his money on ads, attempting to be Bernie Sanders’ BFF, or endorsing reparations. The entire situation invokes a deep sense of pity, his well-intentioned failures rivaling my grandpa’s decision to gift a 12-year-old me the New York Times’ Bestselling fiction novel during a year that title was held by Fifty Shades of Grey.
On the policy front Steyer is actually one of our favorite candidates. He recognizes the catastrophic impact of climate change, supports some restrictions on firearms and an expansion of public healthcare, and most importantly he wants to reduce the political influence of people like himself. In that sense Steyer is really taking one for the billionaire team, spending all his money in the hopes he can get elected and prevent his bedfellows of tremendous wealth from repeating his mistake. It might be Bernie’s calling card, but facts like these make it impossible to deny that Steyer is also running on a platform of class solidarity. You could certainly do worse than voting for Steyer, but watching him makes me cry tears that should be reserved for Marley & Me and Zero Dark Thirty. For all these reasons, and the fact that I had to learn about tartan to write this article, Tom Steyer comes in at the perfectly mediocre fifth place.
#4) Elizabeth Warren
Much has been made of the Massachusetts Senator’s identity during her primary campaign, and The Evening Look set out to put these issues to bed once and for all. After earning the nickname “Pocahontas” for erroneously claiming to have Native American ancestry, Warren recently brought additional drama to the debate stage by embracing media reports claiming Bernie Sanders told her a woman could not be elected President. With the two progressives squabbling, The Evening Look commissioned some cutting-edge research into Warren’s family tree. Their tremendous work revealed that, as someone with both a mother and a father, Elizabeth Warren is only 50% woman. Bernard Sanders is also the son of a man and a woman, making him 50% woman as well. This evidence proves that Warren’s claim is ridiculous, as Bernie would be invalidating his own chances just as much as his progressive rival’s.
From a policy perspective, Warren mostly checks all the progressive boxes. She supports Medicare for All and free college, taking sharp measures to curb climate change, reducing the defense budget and bringing the troops home, and eliminating the electoral college. She shares a number of similarities with the next candidate on the list and voting for her would not be a mistake. My biggest concerns are the economic viability of a wealth tax, her focus on offshoring instead of automation as the chief threat to American jobs, and while I am wholly unqualified to comment on this matter, the Senator may want to consider diversifying her earring collection. There is very little to dislike about Senator Warren, but we all know a woman can’t be elected President, dropping her down to fourth place.
#3) Bernie Sanders
The story of the Brooklyn Jew who moves north and captures the country by storm on the back of radical economic reform and a base less than half his age may be one of the greatest of our age. If a movie normalizing human-fish intercourse can win Best Picture, then the life of a man dedicating to normalizing fucking the rich must have a shot. While I look forward to the film depicting a loner from the streets of New York who starts a revolution, hopefully starring Joe Queen Phoenix, for now we will just have to settle for reality.
As a poor college student, I find a number of Bernie’s policies appealing. My grandpa telling me how he used the funds from his prostitution business to pay off his $100 tuition does not help me afford college, mostly because my grandpa has dementia and never went to college, but also because pimping ain’t easy. Figuring out how to navigate the healthcare system is quite literally the worst part of my life, and the element of our society designed to help save my life is most responsible for me wanting to die. For these reasons and many others, Bernie’s policies have tremendous appeal and he’s one of the best Democratic candidates. But the man is 78. He was born in 1941. He was alive for WWII. “1917” is based on his experiences fighting in WWI. He witnessed the American and French Revolutions. He personally financed the construction of the Cathedral of Notre Dame. Bernie witnessed the birth of Prophet Muhammad, the death of Jesus Christ, and accepted the Ten Commandments from God on Mount Sinai. It is remarkably clear that the man is on the wrong side of 69. Bernie may have had 40 years to change Washington for the better, but we believe if you give him four more, he won’t let us down, and for that reason he gets the bronze medal.
#2) Andrew Yang
While Oprah’s run for President never panned out, a middle-aged Asian businessman has brought the TV star’s spirit of giving to Democratic Primary. While this demographic shift cost him significantly among stay-at-home moms, Yang has found tremendous support from college students like us who can’t imagine a job that actually pays, nevertheless getting money for free. I have no idea what I would do with an extra $12,000. If my dealer counts, then I would definitely be using some of it to support local businesses. Maybe Sergei Kelley could afford a better microphone… or an editor. While Yang’s true strength lies in recognizing that the economic consequences of automation will dramatically outweigh those of corporate offshoring, that’s a lot more complicated than $12,000 every year. The Freedom Dividend is free money and that’s freedom, baby! America! #YangGang!
Yang would be a clear choice for #1 if it wasn’t for one glaring weakness — he enjoys math. It is a staple of his campaign, repeatedly appearing on his debate attire and dominating the mostly wonderful Yang merch store. I do not enjoy math. In fact, I actively dislike it. I was the champion of flashcard arithmetic in second grade, but it has been all downhill since. Math can fuck off, and because two is less than one, the master of Twitter comes in second place.
#1) Michael Bloomberg
Our top pick will surely come as a surprise to loyal readers and newcomers alike. The billionaire media mogul and former Republican is admittedly not aligned with The Evening Look on the vast majority of policy matters. And when Bloomberg first announced his campaign in late November, none of us had faith in his chances. Between the embarrassing failure of Bill de Blasio’s run for President and the very public meltdown of Rudy Giuliani, the prestige associated with being the mayor of New York City has abruptly plummeted. And in truth, with Bloomberg polling at less than 2% in Iowa and Nevada and under 5% in New Hampshire, he stands little chance of reclaiming that former glory. But he is certainly succeeding at making us laugh.
A candidate for the President of the United States posted a photo of his face photoshopped onto a meatball. Say what you will about online engagement strategies, but even the most cynical amongst you must admit this is a monumental moment. We are entering a new era, and Michael Bloomberg is leading the way. The billionaire has proven he is not afraid to stop running a traditional campaign and get frisky, demonstrating his humor and humanity. He’s become a surprisingly touching candidate, which we wholeheartedly support, so long as it stays on our computer screens and off the streets of New York. Bloomberg may pose a serious threat to the integrity of our democratic process, but recent events have already torn that to pieces. We believe he will not win the nomination, but he has won our hearts, making Mike our top candidate for the Democratic nomination.
– L. Squirrel
Click here and give us a follow on Twitter for more news, opinion, and satire!